Why Britain Should Chill the Hell Out About Donald Trump

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By Lewis Schaffer | 4:00 am, November 14, 2016

Donald Trump gets elected President of the United States and my local pub in London offers Americans “a free pint and a cuddle”.

I didn’t need any consolation but I took the free pint and the cuddle. Who wouldn’t?

I’m a New Yorker, I’ve been living in England for 16 years, and it always surprises me how much the British worry about America.

They are freaking out about Trump – even more than Brexit, and Brexit is going to be forever.

I’m old enough to remember America’s fear of the Commies, Global Warming (before it became Climate Change), fear of the aliens from Outer Space, the Atheists and – the scariest ever – disco music. But America survived Gloria Gaynor.

I was only seven when America believed that if Barry Goldwater was elected president he was going to nuke the world to rid it of Communists. LBJ came in on a landslide and nearly blew up the world himself, starting with Vietnam. Here we are again in 2016.

British people would never fall for the line that America is the greatest – they laugh at us – but they do buy into American pessimism. They take it seriously.

Right now Americans are in panic over Muslims blowing up the place, over Mexicans crossing the border and bringing with them their rapists and guacamole.

And now Americans fear being globalised. Until just yesterday, it seems, Americans Americanised the world with our democracy, free trade and McDonalds.

Now the world is world-ising Americans with their heathenism and gay wedding cakes.

So from left to right, black to white, young to old, the whole nation is panicking, and when America panics, Britain shakes too. Britain are suffering a sympathetic “bricking it”, as they would say.

The British don’t do panic – stiff upper lip and all that. It comes from the climate, which is miserable, and nothing really bad has happened here since the Great Fire of London in 1666 and everyone who was prone to panic emigrated to America.

And why panic when there is nothing you can do about it? British people don’t feel in control of their country’s destiny or even their own.

Their democracy and economy is under the shadow of an un-elected Royal family and American and European bankers.

The Brits who moved to America found hurricanes, earthquakes, blizzards, Indians (Native Americans) and being kidnapped and anally probed by aliens from Outer Space. It’s all made Americans a nervous race.

At the pub drinking my pint, which I didn’t really enjoy because I don’t drink, I had to remember not to buy into the panic.

Everything will be okay in the U. S. of A. – it’s just the Yanks being Yanks. And I will tell the locals to keep calm and carry on, and not to believe the negative hype.

Lewis Schaffer is an American comedian who’s lived in South London for 16 years. He tweets from @LewisSchaffer