The presidency of Donald Trump has been, for better or worse, defined by his tweeting. And just like in the animal kingdom, Twitter has great, big whale sharks and tiny little bottom feeders sucking every ounce of filth from the larger creatures.
Inside Trump’s tweet replies is an ecosystem of sweaty, breathless liberals who are quick to jockey for the exalted position of top reply underneath Trump.
A few recurring characters routinely get in the top spots. There’s not much too it, just be fast and feed red meat to their thousands of liberal followers. Simply by accusing Trump of treason, saying he’s going to jail soon, or making Daily Show-esque, smug lefty jokes, they can get to the top and gain those sweet, sweet Twitter followers.
A Washington Post profile revealed some of these use phone alerts to rapidly respond, or even wake up at 4 a.m. to catch Trump during his breakfast tweeting hours. Replies are ordered not only by who is first, but also who gets high engagement (likes, retweets, etc.).
Heat Street has masochistically taken a deep dive into the sad social media lives of the prolific Trump tweeters, and what we found will shock you.
Mike P. Williams claims to be a freelance writer, but it seems he hasn’t written much lately. His byline has appeared on Buzzfeed UK, Yahoo Blog and more, but his greatest skill is snagging the first- -through-third spots underneath a Trump tweet. Since Trump was elected, Williams has tweeted at the president over 1,400 times.
His personal and professional lives are equally pathetic. He hasn’t written anything for Buzzfeed in five months, but during his heyday, he wrote such exemplary pieces of journalism as “19 Things That Are Only OK Because You’re From Liverpool” and “15 Places Everyone Must Eat In Liverpool” and “44 Things That Would Be Different If ‘Friends’ Were Set In Liverpool.” If you haven’t guessed by now, he’s from Liverpool and has plenty of vapid things to say about it.
His Instagram account shows an even sadder tale of woe and loneliness. All the pictures feature freshly Amazon-delivered blue ray DVDs, meals made for one, kitschy nerd paraphernalia, and desperate mirror selfies. The one thing missing from the 341 pictures posted to the account is a single other human being. Sad!
On the fateful day of May 31st, 2017, Mike P. Williams was blocked by Tyrant King Donald J. Trump on Twitter, thus robbing him of any kind of scant meaning he could glean from his life. The #resistance shed a tear that day.
Williams is currently talking with his lawyers to fight this egregious human rights violation.
Like Williams, Jordan Uhl’s rent is inexplicably paid each month despite doing absolutely nothing of value.
Uhl runs a blog called Oppstn, which some outlets have generously referred to as a startup. It combines a douchey Silicon Valley-type name with the nuance of a socialist Facebook meme page.
Most of the blog’s content is just links to other news articles, and the original content is pretty much word garbage.
Uhl uses his platform as top Trump replier to shill for his blog, finding any excuse to tag it into highly engaged replies.
Probably the saddest part is he uses the Oppstn account to agree with himself.
He also has a podcast that earns an impressive $27 a month from the online begging service Patreon.
Perhaps Uhl’s finest achievement was a November 2016 Independent article where he offered some “friendly tips from a straight white dude ” on how white people can berate their family members over Thanksgiving dinner for voting Republican.
“While passing the green bean casserole to your grandpa, remind him that it’s white homegrown terrorists, not Muslims, that have killed more Americans than ‘Jihadists’ since 9/11,” he wrote. “Don’t even let someone try to downplay the significance of the Dakota Access Pipeline protests while simultaneously observing a holiday in which Native people warmly accepted uninvited immigrants from Europe.”
Sounds like it was a Thanksgiving to remember at the Uhl household.
Tom Coates has tweeted over 6,000 times at Donald Trump since the inauguration. The founder of an incredibly lame tech startup, Thington, he tweets so regularly many believe he is a bot. Coates replies to the accusations with on-the-spot “proof of life” photos, letting everyone know that he is indeed not a computer program, but a real-life man with absolutely no life. These “proof of life” photos end up serving a depressingly ironic purpose.
His current startup project is the culmination of everything bad and annoying about Silicon Valley. It’s an app that connects your smartphone to all the other smart devices in your house. Finally there can be elastic synergy between your smart fridge, smart toaster and smart dildo (yeah, it’s a real thing). Give this man 2 billion dollars!
— Tom Coates (@tomcoates) April 13, 2017
Here’s another freelance writer who gets top tweets under Trump tweets!
He’s even appeared in the super edgy and trying-so-hard-to-be-cool Vice.com. His intrepid reporting includes pieces like “Was Jesus Gay?” and “I Tried Smoking Coffee, and It Made Me Feel Like Shit.” Wow, such commitment—he actually smoked coffee out of a crack pipe.
Jules has only tweeted at Trump 350 times since inauguration, but he’s got quality over quantity. His tweets were so biting and intelligent he got blocked by Trump, which to this day remains his number one accomplishment in life.
Despite tweeting at Trump multiple times a day, saying things that ammount to “how dare you sir!” and “damn your alternative facts,” Jules claims on his bio that he is “not political.”
At least he’s got his mattress.
life is lit rn you guys pic.twitter.com/7owEwRGcgg
— Jules Suzdaltsev (@jules_su) May 31, 2017