Are we in danger of losing one of America’s greatest national treasures: douchey sociopathic Silicon Valley tech bros?
Yep, this once renewable resource in America’s thriving tech sector seems to be in jeopardy. It seems tyrannical investors and nosey HR departments are starting to tire of letting bro billionaires reigning with impunity.
Silicon Valley used to be a safe space for tech bros to microdose on LSD, use teenage blood boys for sustenance and completely ruin the spirit of Burning Man by filling the hippy paradise with orgies of capitalism. But like the unfortunate demise of the cocaine-fueled Wall Street of the 1980s, it seems the days of the tech bro are numbered.
Today Uber ousted their own reigning tech bro, Travis Kalanick, who was embroiled in scandals, many of which directly stemmed from his bro-ness. Kalanick’s many crimes included mishandling sexual assault allegations against his employees, turning a lactation center into his own personal meditation room, evading city regulators with spying software, and allegedly stealing self-driving car technology from Google. He even once said he gets so much tail from Uber, they should rename it “Boober.” But isn’t this the price for “disrupting” the taxi industry?
Kalanick is reviled by the media, who cast him as both a symptom and a cause of Silicon Valley’s “toxic culture.” His fall marks the beginning of the end of the illustrious tech bro.
All around the valley you can see the dominos falling. The virtual reality news and training company, UploadVR is getting hammered by a lawsuit stemming from douchey bro policies. The company is being accused of running a “kind room” for male employees to have sex, hiring “samurai girl” strippers for a company trip to Japan and allowing male employees to brag about masturbating in the company bathrooms. One of the founders allegedly kicked an employee out of their room to have sex in during a company retreat.
Everywhere you turn tech bros are being shamed for simply expressing their true nature. In 2016, tech bro Justin Keller was flamed out by the internet after he wrote an open letter to the Mayor of San Fransisco demanding the city clean up all the “riff raff” homeless people, saying he had a right not to see their “pain, struggle, and despair.”
Start-up wiz Billy MacFarland was also “bro-shamed” for organizing the incredibly pricy “epic” Fyre music festival that ended up being a quasi Ponzi scheme with none of the promised amenities or electricity. His quote, “let’s just do it and be legends,” became a source of widespread ridicule instead of the intended mantra of risk-taking and innovation.
Come on! All he did was lie to a bunch of people, take their money, then leave them practically stranded on a remote island. Give the guy a break.
Even Snapchat’s founder and CEO Evan Spiegel may one day be done in by his douchiness. Despite being a darling of the tech industry and the company valued at billions of dollars, it continues to hemorrhage money with no clear path toward profitability. While his company crumbles, Spiegel behaves like a tech douchebro.
In a court filing, Spiegel is alleged to have said, that “Snapchat” is for rich people and he doesn’t want to expand to “poor countries” like India. This the same guy who’s first car at 16 was an Escalade and who created Snapchat in a fraternity, then screwed over the guy who helped him make it.
How many more acts of douchery will it take for investors to oust Spiegel too?
It’s open season for tech bros as it seems America has had enough. RIP you hoodie-wearing, Segway riding dodo birds.