No matter how well they did respectively, 16 of the 17 Republican Presidential candidates are now out of a job. Some might run (again) for seats in Congress, a few will retire to the golf course, but most will need to seek some kind of employment (at least until the next Presidential cycle).
Unfortunately, unlike most years, where four or five fallen candidates would simply pack up their power suits and board the nominee’s campaign bus, this year, with such a large field, there are simply too many shattered dreams to sweep up and fragile egos to rebuild. Plus, there’s the fact that Trump’s plane only has space for 10, and Trump’s hair gets its own seat. The ex-candidates aren’t not qualified for regular American jobs, like Target cashier or Heat Street politics writer, and given their histories, they’re unlikely to seek out the more creative professions.
And that’s why, as a public service, we’re stepping in to provide some free career advice to our slate of Presidential also-rans.
Jeb Bush: Former Florida governor Jeb Bush didn’t last very long in the Presidential race, but he did do a nice job of becoming Donald Trump’s very first punching bag—allowing the now-presumptive nominee to sharpen his claws on an easy target. With that experience under his belt, Bush should consider offering his talents—taking shrill insults to heart and feigning a pained expression—to guests of The View who need a stunt double when the cackling gets too be too much.
Dr. Ben Carson: Dr. Ben Carson proved the adage that you don’t need to be a brain surgeon to run for President, and the extra educational baggage doesn’t help. But Carson’s talent for delivering long, soporific speeches with extravagant metaphors, that lose everyone after the second sentence, would serve him well were he to become a corporate consultant, once he’s finished helping Donald Trump choose his running mate.
Chris Christie: The New Jersey governor is too young to retire, but perhaps what he really needs is some time off to rest, relax, blend into the background—and blend together as many bags of milk chocolate candy as his little sixth-place heart desires. Christie should take a few months to find himself again, maybe following The Boss as he tours the country, fist-bumping his stress into oblivion and offering ominous advice about drug use and Presidential endorsements to fellow Springsteen tailgaters.
Ted Cruz: Ted Cruz stuck around a lot longer than most people expected, and that’s partially because of his talent at selling things to people that they generally don’t want (mostly, but not exclusively, Ted Cruz). He’s made for the spotlight, great at debate, appealing to the elderly, and, physically, as awkward as a 15-year-old Chess Club Vice President. Which makes him the absolutely perfect new face of the home shopping channel. It still exists (just like the Republican Party…for now)!
Carly Fiorina: Obviously, Carly Fiorina wants to be a Broadway star. But since Hamilton isn’t casting for its national tour yet, and American Idol has gone off the air, those plans will have to go on hold for a few months, at least. Until then, we’d like to suggest that she pursue a career tailored after her first loves, her dogs, replacing Sarah McLachlan as the face (and voice) of the ASPCA. She can even taste-test the treats.
Jim Gilmore: Does Jim Gilmore have grandchildren? Yes? No? Does it really matter? We’re lacking in grandparents and we think Jim Gilmore could fill in nicely. You know that man has a sleeve full of Kleenex and a pocket full of butterscotch and some serious Connect Four chops. Snuggles for everyone!
Lindsey Graham: Sen. Lindsey Graham obviously wants nothing more than to be somebody—anybody’s—Defense Secretary. But he may have to settle for being someone’s professional Battleship consultant or playing a grizzled Navy Admiral-turned-top secret Presidential adviser in a Jerry Bruckheimer movie franchise. Graham has other talents, too. For example, he has a wealth of experience handling cell phone problems, hardware transitions, and proper disposal of technology. He’d be an utterly indispensable Verizon kiosk employee.
Mike Huckabee: If he isn’t selected as President Donald Trump’s official emissary to the Deep South, Mike Huckabee has a host of career options, from hawking his own line of microwave diet cookbooks, to being America’s leading squirrel chef, to guest-emceeing state fair cattle auctions. But he never did get to bring his bass out on the campaign trail and ZZ Top is in dire need of a replacement. He’d never even have to go north of the Mason-Dixon.
Bobby Jindal: Bobby Jindal once lost to himself in a Presidential debate, but that doesn’t mean he can’t pursue a career in the dramatic arts. Who can forget Jindal’s very first campaign video, a Paranormal Activity -inspired clip that featured a hidden camera capturing Bobby, partially obscured by a plant, talking to his kids about where fish go after they die? He’s made for the horror movie business.
John Kasich: There’s no doubt that John Kasich has all the right qualifications to endure a prolonged competitive cycle: a great button-down shirt supplier, a plastered smile, a video production team, and a slight tendency towards masochism. With the Presidential contest clearly ended, and his gubernatorial tenure coming to an end, he will have no choice but to vie for some other title. We think competitive eating might be right up his alley, if he can learn to let go of his fork.
George Pataki: Do you remember George Pataki? Don’t worry; no one does. The three-term New York governor never even cracked 1% in the polls, a feat few in history have been able to achieve. He blended into the background so well that debate moderators were shocked to hear his voice coming from what they thought were empty podiums. That probably counts him out as a celebrity game show guest, but would make him a great “plant” for one of those Dateline “On the Inside” investigations of a senior living facility.
Rand Paul: Rand Paul is good behind a microphone but bad in front of a crowd of people considering him for the Republican nomination. Combine his spectacular hair with his Seinfeld obsession, and perhaps the time is right to reboot the NBC series with an off-Broadway production starring America’s favorite Kentucky Senator. Sure, the production would have to be updated, but a few skits about “swiping right,” “autocorrecting” and “Netflix and chill,” and Paul could be halfway to a Tony. Or, at least a six-month hiatus.
Rick Perry: Rick Perry will always love Texas. And Texas will always love Rick Perry. With his rugged good looks and his penchant for memorization, he’d be a perfect fit for any number of local Texas historical re-enactment teams. Unfortunately for him, it would mean that he’d have to ditch those glasses he suddenly discovered he needed halfway through the 2012 election cycle.
Marco Rubio: Marco Rubio has always had it tough. He had to cash in his 401(k) to replace a faulty refrigerator, he had to wait for a lucrative book deal to pay off his student loans and purchase his “luxurious” Florida fishing vessel. But even without the Senate, Rubio has a bright future that will keep him in the spotlight and allow him to afford that sweat gland surgery he’s desperately needed since childhood. Shoe catalog models are always in demand, and Marco Rubio wears those high-rise loafers with style.
Rick Santorum: We don’t remember Rick Santorum dropping out, but we’re sure he did because we noticed a sharp December downturn in the sweater vest market. Santorum could easily transition into a field of fashion design, but to prevent him from ever running again, his best employment would likely be overseas. America needs an ambassador to the Vatican and Rick Santorum would be perfect, if only because he’d be thousands of miles away from American politics.
Scott Walker: Scott Walker was the most underrated candidate of the contest. One of the first to jump in, one of the first to run screaming from the debate stage. But Walker is famously without a college education, so only select jobs are open to the Wisconsin governor. And he’ll have to be careful where he starts out, because it’s probably best that he not be forced to join a union. We’d suggest Starbucks barista, but Walker is too proud of his hands to endanger them with milk steamers and coffee grinders. Wal-Mart greeter seems just his speed.
If they take our advice, four years from now, every last one of these failed Presidential candidates will be better prepared to tackle the 2020 mid-year election, armed with the knowledge you gain when you truly follow your bliss.