Trumps vs. Clintons, the Pokemon Go Edition
Since the Pokemon Go craze is sweeping the nation, it’s only right that it should sweep up our presidential candidates, too.
Here are a few, limited edition, Heat Street exclusive Pokemon cards for your collection. You can trade, train and collect them all, but most importantly, you can predict the outcome of the November election playing the Clintons against the Trumps.
We’ve even taken the liberty of giving you a little primer in how to use your favorite Trump siblings and Clinton black sheep relatives in everyday Poke-combat.
Team Trump
Donald: You can’t deny that Donald is a popular character. The man has the strength of at least five men his age, can do battle with up to 18 opponents and win, and is in “
astonishingly good health,” meaning that he could probably keep this up all the way through 2020.
Melania: Melania might not be as virile as Donald, but she’s certainly got the charm —and that counts for a lot in Pokemon. Her special powers include buying very flattering designer dresses, decorating in the rococo style, and having stunningly flawless hair. Her health is spectacular, and kept that way by top docs.
Donald, Jr.: Well known to be the most approachable of the Trumps, Donald Jr., is willing to work hard, but prefers to follow the lead of his father, whom he will staunchly defend when called upon. He does come with at least five smaller Trumps, his kids, and a healthy disdain for the spotlight.
Ivanka: Ivanka is the powerhouse of the family. Young, strong and smart, she’s easily your best choice to deploy in tough situations. Unfortunately, she’s also usually busy handling at least three other jobs (though she can do them in three-inch heels). She’s in excellent health, and can do campaign trails in her eighth month of pregnancy, so you know she won’t fade after even a tough battle.
Eric: Eric Trump isn’t particularly helpful when it comes to a presidential campaign, but he is very good at picking out the most appropriate wine for your event and selecting top-notch investment real estate. Deploy him when confronted with accusations that Donald Trump’s hair is fake or you’re looking to smooth the way for a merger.
Tiffany: Tiffany is an elusive member of Team Trump, having only appeared a few short weeks ago, after she leveled up from being a college student. She’s typically found in the wilds of social media and is perfect to deploy when you need a player with a very strong selfie game. She comes through in a pinch, but you’ll have to tear her away from the other members of her tribe, the “Snap Pack.”
Barron: Barron is the baby and has yet to level up, but there’s no doubt that when he comes of age, he’ll be very influential. He already speaks two languages, has
impeccable taste in blazers, and
a “minimalist aesthetic” that demonstrates his single-minded approach to being his father’s true heir.
The Clintons
Bill: Strong and experienced, Bill Clinton is a good lead-off option, but he’s easily distracted and has an appetite for the finer things, meaning that he’s apt to ditch your battle for a $700 dinner and a hefty check to the Clinton Foundation. After years out of the limelight, he’s
itching for a fight (but probably with a protester).
Hillary: Hillary is strong, focused, poised to be the top of the ticket, and ready for you to deploy her into battle. The problem is, once in the field, she can become
confused, and either scattered or completely unresponsive. She’s also unlikely to answer repeated calls for help, acknowledge her need or complete pretty much any task to success. But she’s female, so she brings something “extra special” to the table. What that is is anyone’s guess.
Chelsea: Chelsea has evolved in the public eye and can easily handle the attention of a presidential campaign—after all, she’s the only one of the bunch who’s been through two of them as a bystander. But what she has in experience, she lacks in ability. She requires either Bill or Hillary to provide her with a task, or is dependent on the kindness of strangers.
Roger: Roger Clinton is an “actor” and a “musician” who has a habit of disrupting otherwise straightforward battles with his erratic behavior and propensity to run afoul of law enforcement. He’s mostly a distraction, but will stay put—at least temporarily—if you
promise him a pardon for his actions. Belonging to the “Billy Carter” class of famous relatives, it’s best if you place Roger at the bottom of your pile and try to forget about him.