An audio recording obtained by the Washington Post has led some to believe that a man by the name of “John Miller,” who gave numerous interviews on Donald Trump’s behalf beginning in the 1970s, was actually Trump himself, and not a separate human person.
In the interest of truth and transparency, we managed to track down former Trump spokesman John Miller and interview him over the phone. Below is a (lightly-edited) transcript:
Heat Street: Mr. Miller, thanks so much for taking the time to speak with us today.
John Miller: You’re very welcome. You know, I’m surprised you were able to track me down. I don’t usually do interviews these days, but I thought it was important to clear up some of the lies coming from the media. I mean, it’s really disgusting.
HS: That’s what I wanted to ask you about. Are you a real person?
JM: Well, first of all, I think the media is just totally dishonest, they—very unfair to Mr. Trump, and I think you would probably agree. I’ve known Donald for a very long time, okay? The whole idea that this person who has been very successful in business and in life would pretend to be his own publicist is beyond me. It’s just — the guy has billions, okay? He can hire the best people to handle it for him. I’m sure you saw his financial statement that came out when he announced he was running. There was a big scene down at Trump Tower, remember? Great optics from a PR perspective if you ask me, and that’s my specialty. I heard it was one of the biggest financials of all time.
HS: Okay, that’s great. I remember the announcement. But just to follow up on my original question: Are you Donald Trump?
JM: Am I — look, it’s a ridiculous question. Do I wish I was Donald Trump? Absolutely, and I think many, many people would say the same thing. You know, a lot of reporters used to tell me how great it must be to work for Trump—one of the most successful businessman. I think he went to Wharton if I recall. Great on the economy, big on trade. They used to tell me—and he dated some of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. I was lucky enough to meet some of them. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be Donald Trump? They said he’d never run for president, and now he’s going to be the nominee, and I think Hillary Clinton is going to have a hard time staying out of jail for what she did. I mean, she killed a lot of people. If you want to ask me—and I would assume that your net worth is very, very low. It’s a stupid question.
HS: Fair enough. When is the last time you spoke to Mr. Trump?
JM: I think it was probably at one of his rallies. You know, it was truly incredible. I’ve never seen so many people, and the press refused to report it. They only turned their cameras on the crowd when some horrible protestor would start causing trouble, and I thought Donald handled it beautifully. I was lucky enough to shake his hand after the speech, which was great, by the way, and the crowd absolutely loved it. One of the strongest handshakes—and I was a little surprised, to be honest, because Little Marco Rubio said some very nasty things about Trump’s hands, you know, and some other body parts that I won’t mention, not that I ever heard any of the women complain, and people are always telling me how handsome he is, and there were a lot of women, believe me.
HS: I believe you, but why are people always telling you how handsome Donald Trump is?
JM: Why? Uh, well, it’s true isn’t it? I—how do you explain all the women? Some of the best skin I’ve ever seen, like you wouldn’t believe. They were always calling asking to go out with him is all I can say. I was very close to Donald, and the people who know me are always very impressed by that. You know, I think he has a pretty good shot against Crooked Hillary, and I’m just getting started on her.
HS: Are you still doing PR these days?
JM: Yeah, you know, off and on for some of the big firms, mostly freelance. It’s getting harder these days because of all the companies moving jobs to China, they’re moving jobs to Mexico—they’re killing us on trade. We gotta bring the jobs back, and the people are very angry.
HS: Would you mind giving me the names of some of the PR agencies you’ve worked for so I can follow up?
JM: Agencies? I—you tell me. You’re the reporter. You want to talk to me about agencies like that’s an issue people care about. There’s—you have ISIS that is chopping people’s heads off, and we don’t even win anymore with the military. We can’t—I’ve been treated so unfairly in the media, and even people like dopey Joe Scarborough, who are usually very nice because they get the ratings, they all want Trump for the ratings.
HS: Okay, never mind. I think he’s supposed to give a speech here shortly. Are you going to watch?
JM: …
HS: John?
TAKE THE QUIZ!
