President Donald Trump has come under fire for “banning” immigration from certain Muslim-majority countries. The legality of his executive order has been challenged in court, so our judicial system will soon make a determination as to whether it will stand. In the meantime, Trump can put his big Sharpie pen to work by signing executive orders banning the following things in an effort to Keep America Great.
1) Kitesurfing
Former President Barack Obama was recently spotted romping in the waves and learning how to kitesurf in the British Virgin Islands with silver fox billionaire Richard Branson. Obama looks like he’s having fun. That’s fine, as long as he stays in the (British) Virgin Islands. But if the former president wants to come back to America, Trump should make sure Obama spends less time goofing around in the water, and more time thinking about what he’s done. Same goes for John Kerry.
2) “Produce Butchers”
A Whole Foods in Manhattan has hired a “produce butcher” to cut vegetables urban elites. There is no such thing as a “produce butcher.” The last time America was great, people cut their own damn vegetables. Ban!
3) Celebrity Pregnancy Photos
This a real headline from Slate: “Beyonce Has Gifted Us All With Even More Ridiculous (Underwater!) Maternity Photos.” In no sane world should underwater photos of a pregnant celeb be considered a “gift” to anyone who is not directly related to that celeb. They should not be permitted to exist. Even Beyonce fans would agree—she slayed “pregnancy photos” so hard there’s no point in anyone else trying.
4) Minecraft Sex Videos
If you really want to know what a “Minecraft sex video” is, and why America’s children are experimenting with them, you can read about it here. But you shouldn’t have to know anything to be freaked out by their existence. Ban!
5) Chelsea Clinton’s Twitter Account
The former first daughter has been getting saucy on social media since her mom lost another election. BuzzFeed thinks her anti-Trump tweets are “pretty funny,” and the weird thing is, some of them actually are. That’s too weird, and certainly unnatural, for a Clinton not named Bill. Trump should shut it down long enough for the experts to figure out what is going on.
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