A piece in the New York Times recently declared that “Men Want to Marry Melanias and Raise Ivankas.” Exploring why men want different things in their wives than they do in their daughters, Jill Filipovic writes that “The distinctions between the Clinton marriage and the Trumps’ reflect an uncomfortable evolution also happening in homes across the United States.” That evolution is toward a more equitable marriage — one that Filipovic portrays the Clintons as having and the Trumps not.
On closer examination, though, are these marriages really so wildly different? And is the Trump one really so much more traditional than that of the Clintons?
The Clintons have long tried to project that their marriage is an equal one, a modern one, not like one of those stuffy traditional marriages Hillary has openly disdained. It’s easy to forget, because we’ve been told so often to move on, that the circumstances of the Monica Lewinsky affair exposed just how traditional and old-fashioned the Clinton marriage really was.
Even before Monica, Hillary sought to portray herself as a strong feminist icon — not one of those women who would stay with a man who humiliated them. “I’m not sitting here some little woman standing by my man like Tammy Wynette,” Hillary Clinton famously said in a “60 Minutes” interview in 1992 about her husband’s alleged affair, for over a decade, with Gennifer Flowers.
But that’s exactly what Hillary did. Multiple times.
It wasn’t just an affair that Bill Clinton had with Monica Lewinsky. She was a White House intern, and he was the president of the United States. You’d be hard-pressed to find a bigger power imbalance in a relationship. And it wasn’t a straight-up affair, what modern feminists would call “sex positive.” He would summon her into his office to give him oral sex. He debased her, put a cigar in her. And Hillary stood by him, stood by that, despite previously mocking “little women” who would stand by their own men.
In fact, Hillary did more than stand by him. She insisted a conspiracy was out to get her husband. When the facts came out, she used her surrogates in the media and in women’s organizations to destroy the other woman. Is there anything more old-fashioned than forgiving the husband and pummeling the other woman?
It’s widely understood that Hillary brushed off her humiliation and stood by Bill to further her own career. A woman using her husband to advance in the world: Is there anything more traditional?
And so like the sad housewives Hillary imagines, the whole neighborhood knows what her husband has been doing, but she has to not care. No, she wasn’t a little woman standing by her man. Standing by her man made her a prominent woman, someone who matters. She would have been the little woman if she had left and didn’t look back.
As for their daughter, it’s not hard to imagine that Bill Clinton would want something different for his daughter than what his wife endured. It may not be fair but it’s pretty standard.
Filipovic points out that “Mr. Trump has spoken disparagingly of working women.” Hillary Clinton, of course, had a famous line disparaging moms who stay home: “I suppose I could have stayed home and baked cookies and had teas.” As someone who stayed home for a year with my first child, I kept waiting for those “teas” to begin but instead found myself in a cycle of feeding, cleaning, and never-ending laundry.
The fact is that most marriages are about balance. Yes, both members of a marriage working has become the standard in America. But when one has a high-powered career, like Donald Trump or Bill Clinton, the spouse does end up subjugating their own career for it. It’s not necessarily divided along gender lines, either. Currently, it’s Bill playing the supporting role for Hillary as she runs for president. There are plenty of husbands in Hollywood and in the corporate world who “stay home and bake cookies” while their wives make the big bucks.
If Donald and Melania Trump’s marriage can be considered more “traditional” than that of Bill and Hillary Clinton, it’s only because their arrangement is out in the open.
