Supreme Court Could Decide If Kids Can Be Arrested for Burping in Class

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By Joe Simonson | 10:11 pm, May 14, 2017
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The highest court in the land has the opportunity to decide if police can arrest public school students for phony belches.

If you thought the Supreme Court only dealt with important things like the death penalty, interpreting the Commerce Clause and religious freedom issues, you’ve underestimated how stupid everything has become.

Here’s the background info:

Back during simpler times, in 2011, a student referred to in court documents as “F.M.” was absolutely killing it and impressing his fellow students in gym class with some dope, hilarious burps. The burps were so awesome that the teacher started losing control of the situation and felt the need to call the police because F.M. ruled too hard.

When the cop showed up on the crime scene, he put F.M. in handcuffs and took him to juvie.  The school also gave him a one-day suspension because they just couldn’t control the party animal.

Judge Neil Gorsuch and his wife Louise. (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)

Unsurprisingly, F.M’s mom lost her stuff and rightfully sued the dumb nerds who locked her boy up for civil rights violations and for using handcuffs to control a burping seventh grader.

The case has been going on for a while, and for some reason the lunatics on the 10th Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals agreed with the school’s decisions—except for Neil Gorsuch, who wrote the following:

“Often enough the law can be ‘a ass—a idiot,’ Charles Dickens, Oliver Twist 520 (Dodd, Mead & Co. 1941) (1838)—and there is little we judges can do about it, for it is (or should be) emphatically our job to apply, not rewrite, the law enacted by the people’s representatives. Indeed, a judge who likes every result he reaches is very likely a bad judge, reaching for results he prefers rather than those the law compels. So it is I admire my colleagues today, for no doubt they reach a result they dislike but believe the law demands—and in that I see the best of our profession and much to admire. It’s only that, in this particular case, I don’t believe the law happens to be quite as much of a ass as they do. I respectfully dissent.”

Thanks in part to Gorsuch, the mom has a shot at appealing to the Supreme Court, which could decide Monday if it will take the case. (If it does take the case, Gorsuch, the newest Supreme Court justice, would get a second crack at the case.)

I’m firmly pro-burping tweens.  I don’t know about you, but when my ancestors left misery in Europe, they rightfully expected the freedom to burp loudly and proudly. Besides, if Donald Trump can be president, then anyone should be able to make any noises they want in gym class.

Don’t let us be like Europe, SCOTUS, exonerate the burping boy.

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