Bernie Sanders, it’s time to go.
Put on your big boy pants, hike it back to Vermont, open up a tub of Ben & Jerry’s New York Triple Fudge Chunk and settle in with a couple of tissue boxes for a week of Netflix. Heck, Ben & Jerry’s will probably even let you have your custom Bernie Sanders ice cream flavor for free.
Look at it this way: you’ve had your success. You’ve made it further than any Democratic Socialist candidate ever has, likely because you were the first and only one, and because Millennials have spent so much time studying Communist Gender Theory under all of those 1960s hippies who decided a life in academia was preferable to profit. You’ve called into question the Super-Delegate system. You brought Matt Damon into politics. You gave Dave Matthews a chance to be roundly despised by a whole new generation. And people who crochet miniature figures of politicians as performance art have made an Etsy mint off your campaign (thanks for putting Americans back to work). You’ve even managed, occasionally, to make Hillary Clinton look sane, by comparison.
But to continue this crusade is to take your victory and squander it like your fellow geriatrics at the mercy of once-cent slot machines in so many failing Donald Trump Atlantic City casinos. Like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, you’re taking a brief brush with fantasy and turning it into a boiled household pet and some ruined bathroom tile. You’re the guy who won’t leave the party, even though its 4 am, everyone else is asleep, they’ve turned out the lights and the only beer left is warm PBR.
Let’s take a hard look at the facts. Hillary Clinton has sewn up the nomination, and barring an FBI indictment, she’s earned her coronation as the Democratic party’s potential nominee. And even if the FBI were to indict her, it’s not likely they’d turn to their Socialist savior in a polyester suit to continue what she started. Waiting in the wings are several more qualified, appealing candidates, from Joe Biden (who might literally parachute in to the convention), to Elizabeth Warren (she’s a woman and a minority, if you go by Harvard’s standards), to Mark Cuban, to Kanye West, to a fruit plate the DNC ordered for breakfast.
The major endorsements are rolling in. Barack Obama looks set to endorse Hillary Clinton today, not because he’s a die-hard fan, but because he’s ready to take on Donald Trump which is, essentially, the Democrats’ goal. Winning. The longer you stay in, Bernie, the harder winning will be. Not to say that people won’t mind – Donald Trump, for example, will be heartened – but its likely the party will have a problem with a continued onslaught from the inside, even if it is by a guy whose hairdo and glasses make him an adorable tee-shirt graphic.
And your crusade to bring progressive ideals into the national dialogue will be better served if you’re someone who doesn’t have to hitch-hike to Philadelphia.
So don’t listen to the Bernie Bros who are still doing delegate math; if they can’t calculate the cost of your programs, they won’t be able to multiply you into a path to the nomination. Don’t rely on the University English department heads that insist the only reason Marxism doesn’t work is because it hasn’t been tried in a proper environment. Don’t listen to the Bernie supporters organizing Les Mis street performances to upend the Democratic National Convention.
The only way out with what remains of your dignity intact, is a polite but brief concession speech Tuesday night, calling on your supporters to grow up and support an adult for President – or, at least, someone who reminds them of their mother.
