NATIONAL TREASURE: Anthony Weiner’s Wiener Saved America

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By William Hicks | 12:10 pm, May 19, 2017
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A tearful Anthony Weiner (aka Carlos Danger, aka America’s preeminent sext-a-holic) pleaded guilty Friday to the charge of transferring obscene material to a minor, and will wind up on the New York sex-offender registry.


The pervy former Democratic congressman sent graphic text messages to a 15-year-old North Carolina girl, saying he “would bust that tight p–y so hard and so often that you would leak and limp for a week,” and sent bare-chested photos to her.

While this sad husk of a man is pathetic and reprehensible on all counts, it can be argued, and fuck it I’m doing it right now, that his pathological addiction to sexting saved America.

Hear me out. According to statistics wunderkind Nate Silver, James Comey’s letter to Congress “probably cost Hillary Clinton the election.” The October letter announced that the FBI was reopening the Clinton email investigation because of emails found on randy Anthony’s laptop. This may have slightly tipped the scales in key swing states like Florida and Ohio.

While Weiner’s wiener did photographic damage to a slew of women, imagine the irreparable harm if Hillary got in the White House? A whole new generation of White House interns would be at the mercy of fellow creeper Bill Clinton. Imagine Bill roaming the West Wing for four years, pawing everything in sight with his shriveled septuagenarian hands? Gross! And unlike Weiner who only is addicted to texting out sexual harassment, Bill likes the real deal, face-to-face stuff.

May as well have called Air Force One, the Lolita Express Part II.

And what about Pizzagate? I don’t know for sure if there’s a massive Washington, D.C., child sex ring operated by top Democratic officials out of area pizzerias. But what if it’s true? Could we afford as a nation to let alleged pizza pedo John Podesta so close to the levers of power? He may expand the subterranean child trafficking tunnels from Comet Ping Pong all the way to the White House, providing unfettered access to pizza sauce-covered children!

Sure, the nation’s future may seem uncertain now. Trump’s scandals fill the headline while Congress is stuck in gridlock. But thanks to Weiner and his obscene photos of bulges and briefs, he prevented an alternate reality of pizza, pedos and gropey Bill having free reign of the White House.

That’s a hero in my book.

Follow me on Twitter @William__Hicks