You’ve Got Jail! Top Prison Options for Hillary Clinton?

  1. Home
  2. Politics
By Andrew Stiles | 10:56 am, November 10, 2016



Some Republicans really want to see Hillary Clinton behind bars.

Here are some of the best available prison options for Hillary to consider, just in case:

Photo: Federal Bureau of Prisons

Federal Correctional Institution, Danbury

Location: Danbury, Conn.

Security level: Minimum

Notable inmates: Ring Lardner, Jr. (blacklisted screenwriter), Lauryn Hill (musician), Teresa Giudice (Real Housewife of New Jersey), Piper Kerman (author: Orange Is the New Black)

Why Danbury? Less than an hour’s drive from the Clinton estate in Chappaqua, FCI Danbury has achieved some cultural notoriety thanks to the success of Orange Is the New Black, the Netflix series based on the memoir of former inmate Piper Kerman. The minimum-security facility has a separate campus for female inmates, and has plenty of experience with celebrity incarcerations. Inmates have access to legal services provided by students and faculty from nearby Yale Law School, Hillary’s alma mater.

Photo: Christopher Ziemnowicz

Federal Prison Camp, Alderson

Located: Alderson, W. Va.

Security level: Minimum

Notable inmates: Billie Holliday (jazz singer), Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme (cult member, failed presidential assassin) , Martha Stewart (cultural icon, Hillary Clinton donor)

Why Alderson? Former inmate Martha Stewart is one of the few people in the country who is older, richer, and whiter than Hillary Clinton. If FCP Alderson is good enough for her, it’s good enough for Hillary. The women-only facility made the Forbes list of “America’s 10 Cushiest Prisons,” and offers occupational programs in horticulture and cosmetology. Inmates will adore its picturesque setting in the foothills of the Allegheny Mountains, just a short drive from the luxurious Greenbriar resort (in case Bill ever wants to visit).

Photo: Federal Bureau of Prisons

Federal Prison Camp, Pensacola

Located: Pensacola, Fla.

Security level: Minimum

Notable inmates: Tim Donaghy (former NBA referee), Mark Whitacre (corrupt FBI agent, subject of The Informant starring Matt Damon)

Why Pensacola? Hillary would enjoy swapping stories with Chelsea’s father-in-law, former Congressman Edward Mezvinsky, who served several years at the nearby (and now defunct) FCP Eglin after being convicted of investment fraud. They could also discuss their grandchildren, and how their guaranteed success in life despite having two grandparents who served time in jail and a third who was disbarred for lying under oath is a powerful testament to the American Dream.

Photo: Chris Litherland

Pulaski County Jail 

Location: Little Rock, Ark.

Security level: Maximum

Notable inmates: Susan McDougal (Whitewater conspirator)

Why Pulaski? Hillary could return to her Arkansas roots in this cozy facility where old friend Susan McDougal served time for her role in the infamous Whitewater scandal. She’ll love the “secure instant email” system that allows inmates to exchange (non-classified) messages with loved ones and Sidney Blumenthal.

Photo: Federal Bureau of Prisons

ADX Florence

Location: Florence, Colo.

Security level: Supermax

Notable inmates: Dzhokhar Tsarnaev (Boston bomber), Terry Nichols (Oklahoma City bomber), Theodore Kaczynski (Unabomber), Eric Rudolph (Olympic bomber), Richard Reid (shoe bomber), Umar Abdulmutallab (underwear bomber), Zacarias Moussaoui (9/11 conspirator), Robert Hanssen (Soviet spy), assorted traitors and al-Qaeda operatives

Why Florence? The ADX Florence inamate roster is a who’s who of humanity’s worst offenders—traitors, terrorists, and moral deviants. The facility is currently male-only, but Hillary has never encountered a glass ceiling she didn’t want to smash into a million shards of justice. Perhaps she could arrange to share a cell with Robert Hanssen, the former FBI agent who was also convicted of mishandling state secrets.

Photo: U.S. Army

United States Disciplinary Barracks

Location: Fort Leavenworth, Kan.

Security level: Maximum

Notable inmates: Nidal Hasan (Fort Hood shooter), Chelsea Manning (Wikileaker)

Why Leavenworth? One of the most well-known penitentiaries in the country, Leavenworth is where many people already assume Clinton will serve time. If that’s the case, 2016 could be banner year for advocates of diversity and inclusion, with almost-first-woman-president Hillary sharing a detention facility with the transgender turncoat Chelsea Manning, and Donald Trump sharing a winning presidential ticket with transgender megastar Caitlyn Jenner.

Photo: Michael Kagdis

Palm Beach County Jail 

Location: Palm Beach, Fla.

Security level: Minimum-maximum

Notable inmates: Jeffrey Epstein (sex offender creep, Bill Clinton’s friend)

Why Palm Beach? Family friend and registered sex offender Jeffery Epstein served time here after being convicted of soliciting an underage girl for prostitution in 2008. Deciding to serve time in Palm Beach would give Hillary a good excuse to reach out to her old friend, perhaps to ask him what Bill doing on all those trips aboard Epstein’s private jet, aka the “Lolita Express.”

fci cumberland
Photo: Federal Bureau of Prisons

Federal Correctional Institution, Cumberland 

Location: Cumberland, Md.

Security level: Minimum-medium

Notable inmates: Jack Abramoff (power lobbyist), Webb Hubbell (Hillary Clinton’s former law partner, senior aide in Clinton White House)

Why Cumberland? Notable for it’s (relative) proximity to Washington, D.C., home to one of the Clinton mansions, FCI Cumberland includes a license plate manufacturing facility where inmates can work producing license plates for government vehicles, such as the ones that will be used for President Trump’s tremendously fabulous motorcade.

fci butner
Photo: Federal Bureau of Prisons

Federal Correctional Complex, Butner

Location: Butner, N.C.

Security level: Minimum-medium

Notable inmates: Sheik Omar Abdel-Rahman (blind sheik, terrorist) Bernie Madoff (Ponzi schemer)

Why Butner? In addition to its serene bucolic setting in the rural south, FCC Butner boasts the largest medical complex in the federal prison system, which makes it ideal for elderly inmates, such as Hillary or the 77-year-old Bernie Madoff, who swindled some of her largest political donors out of millions.

Photo: iStock

Alcatraz Island

Location: San Francisco Bay, Calif.

Security level: Alcatraz

Notable inmates: Al Capone (gangster), George “Machine Gun” Kelly (gangster), Bumpy Johnson (mob boss), Alvin “Creepy” Karpis (gangster), James “Whitey” Bulger (gangster), John Mason (fictional British operative)

Why Alcatraz? Wonderful, historic location in a challenging real estate market, if you don’t mind the constant inflow of tourists. Impeccable views of the bay. We might have to wait a while longer for a female president, but no one of any gender is known to have escaped this fortress prison, should Hillary fancy herself up to the challenge. That might actually make her somewhat likable.