This week, a female-run Washington DC distillery is introducing “Rodham Rye,” a “specially concocted whiskey” designed to honor former Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton for her service to womankind.
Republic Restoratives say they’ll only be making around 4,500 bottles of the commemorative spirit, which is supposed to pay tribute to Hillary Clinton’s indomitable spirit and unparalleled masochistic streak.
They chose rye rather than a more useful and flavorful distilled liquor because “rye is the sturdiest of all the grains, the grain that will grow in the most harsh conditions and still thrive,” just like its eponymous failed Democratic leader.
“The rye is made from a blend of whiskies that are stronger together than apart,” the bottle reads, referencing Clinton’s 2016 campaign tagline, and the liquor is “both spicy and sweet” with notes of cinnamon and vanilla, as well as a bit of maple syrup from the Chappaqua woods Clinton is now said to be roaming aimlessly.
If you do happen to come across a bottle, we here at Heat Street have taken the opportunity to provide you with a few Hillary Clinton-themed mixed drinks that will help you honor her many actual accomplishments while knocking back her branded rye.
The Sad and Lonely
A play on the “dark and stormy,” updated to reflect the mood surrounding Hillary Clinton’s exile to the wilds of upstate New York
- 2 oz Rodham Rye
- 4 oz ginger beer
- 1 Tbsp fresh lime juice
Fill a tall glass with ice. Pour in your rye, then add the ginger beer and lime juice. Stir while contemplating what went wrong with a campaign that raised more than $1 billion but couldn’t close the deal.
The Sour Loser
This rye whiskey sour will help you cope with losing Florida, and its far more effective than throwing a hotel room tantrum at 3am.
- 2 oz Rodham Rye
- 3/4 oz fresh lemon juice
- 1 tsp simple syrup
- 1 orange slice
- 1 maraschino cherry
Pour rye, lemon juice and simple syrup into a shaker with ice. Shake vigorously, imagining it’s your campaign manager. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass and garnish with fruit. Enjoy during every Sean Spicer press conference.
The State Department Scofflaw
Based on a Parisian, Prohibition-era recipe, this cocktail honors Clinton’s top achievement as a government official.
- 2 oz Rodham Rye
- 1 oz dry vermouth
- .25 oz fresh lemon juice
- .5 oz grenadine
- 2 dashes Angostura bitters
Pour all the ingredients into a shaker with ice. Shake vigorously and strain into a chilled cocktail glass. It’s up to you whether you want to share your beverage with FBI Director James Comey.
Chelsea’s Bitter Twitter
When your family is out of power, all you have left is sarcasm and your cell phone. This cocktail, based on the Negroni will help loosen your tongue and your Twitter.
- 1 oz Rodham Rye
- 1 oz Campari
- 1 oz sweet vermouth
- Fruit for garnish
Combine the rye, Campari and vermouth in a shaker with ice. Stir for 30 seconds or until the outside of the shaker is frosty. Strain the drink into a chilled glass. Garnish with whatever tart fruit you have lying around and consider your cocktail as a ham-fisted metaphor for your social media presence.
The All That’s Left is Mayor of Manhattan
Don’t hang up that pantsuit yet! Bill de Blasio has to be easier to beat than Donald Trump.
- 3 oz Rodham Rye
- .5 oz dry vermouth
- .5 oz sweet vermouth
- 2 dashes of Angostura bitters
- Maraschino cherry for garnish
Pour the rye, vermouth and bitters into a shaker with ice. Stir for 30 seconds and strain the drink into a chilled glass with ice. Garnish with the maraschino cherry. Hope for the best. They won’t let you go 0-3…will they?
Enjoy! And don’t forget to tip your (secret) server.
