It’s been a rough year for all the liberals, Hillary Clinton supporters, and special snowflakes in your life. You might be tempted to rub it in, and buy them a “Make America Great Again” hat as a holiday gift. Or, you could show some sympathy and bring some joy to their lives by giving them one of these thoughtful alternatives.
1) Trigger Alert — personal safety emergency response beacon ($395)
Trigger Alert® is simple to operate. In the event of a triggering encounter or microagressive word crime, simply active the patented safety beacon. This will emit a military-grade sonic pulse (not yet approved by federal regulators) and a retina-scorching light ray known to cause vertigo in monkeys. The beacon will immediately notify all state, local, and federal authorities (and litigators) within a 25-mile radius of your emergency. Stay safe and fashionable with Trigger Alert®.
2) Sir Teddy Hugs-A-Lot — furry companion for hire ($75/hour)
Every day that Donald Trump is president is day your special snowflake could use a hug to soothe his sorrow. Teddy Hugs-A-Lot is a gender-neutral furry companion-for-hire that will follow you around dispensing hugs as needed throughout the day. Additional favors may be requested (for a fee) and should be negotiated on a case-by-case basis.
3) Invisible Privilege — high-voltage shock collar ($1,579)
Privilege is everywhere, even when you can’t see it. Sometimes it can be hard to know when you’re being a privileged a**hole, especially when your fellow snowflakes aren’t around to remind you. Thanks to the high-voltage shock collar from Invisible Privilege®, you’ll literally feel your own privilege, and it won’t be a pleasant experience. Whether you’re engaged in problematic thoughts, words, or actions, this state-of-the-art device is programmed to detect and punish even the most subtle form of privilege.
4) Safe Date — bias-free dating app ($49.99/month)
Bias-free dating can be a challenge in the 21st century. You want to be open minded, but you never know when your own privilege or micro-prejudices can get in the way. Fortunately there’s “Safe Date,” a new dating app from the developers who brought you the Chrome extension “White Out,” and the popular card game “Checks Against Privilege.” The app helpfully bans photos and censors discrimination indicators such as age, height, race, gender, and sexual orientation, while dramatically limiting the number of available interest fields. Usernames are generated via simple algorithm to avoid micro-bias. Stay safe out there, and try not to have too much fun!
5) Clinton Foundation donation ($10,000 minimum)
Give a donation to the Clinton Foundation in your special snowflake’s name. It won’t win them any favors or access now that Hillary’s political career is (probably) over, but that’s OK because the foundation has always been solely focused on charitable endeavors. Also, donations have presumably dried up in recent weeks, so it could use the money.
6) Barack Obama’s forthcoming presidential memoir (pre-order $24.99)
One of the only things sad liberals can look forward to in the next four years is the publication of Barack Obama’s third memoir. It’s going to be extra special, because it will be the first book he’s written after actually accomplishing something. It will be a bestseller and will presumably explain why Obama was right about everything and sad liberals are right about everything even though they lost the election.
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