FAKE NEWS: Unverifiable Dossier Alleges Buzzfeed Is Bloated With Gluttonous Deviants

  1. Home
  2. Politics
By William Hicks | 12:03 pm, January 13, 2017

A dossier making explosive — but unverified — allegations that the Kremlin has for years been “cultivating” the food porn blog BuzzFeed to attempt to write some “serious news” at their behest and gained compromising information about the “liberal blog” (as Sean Spicer calls it) has been circulating among New York City media insiders for months.

The dossier, which is a collection of disturbing tales from inside BuzzFeed, includes specific yet unverifiable allegations that BuzzFeed’s daily operation looks like that buffet scene in Nutty Professor, graphic claims of disturbing acts of gluttony, and rumors that BuzzFeed treats their interns worse than third world prisoners. Heat Street reporters in the US and our much more cost effective outsourced reporters in Kazakhstan have been unsuccessfully investigating various allegations in the dossier for about 10 minutes, before we just said f—k it, may as well publish.

Now in the name of journalism’s bold new era, Heat Street is bravely publishing the full document, no matter what the haters and losers might say, so that Americans make up their own mind on whether or not BuzzFeed is filled with face-stuffing deviants who abuse their interns.

BuzzFeed did not respond to Heat Street’s request for comment because we didn’t feel like asking.

Read the report here (Full transcript below): 


Editor’s Note: Here is the note I bravely sent to Heat Street staff this evening:

As you have probably seen, this evening we published an unverified, salacious document we did not bother to fact check which said that the people at BuzzFeed  are gross in both what and how they eat while pretending to be a “serious news” organization. I wanted to briefly explain to you how we made the carefully considered decision to publish it.

We published the dossier, which we got from a white shoe British security firm hired by Buzzfeed’s bitter rivals at Brazzers , so, as we wrote “Americans can make up their own minds.”

Our presumption is to be better than other lamestream media outlets by giving our readers what they want, unverified, but kind of hilarious, allegations against the food porn blog BuzzFeed. In this case the document was already in wide circulation among our staff and we had a good chuckle, so we thought our readers should be let in on the joke, and who really cares whether or not it’s true.

As we noted in our story, there is serious reason to doubt the allegations, but wouldn’t it, like be totally freakin funny if all this stuff were actually true and it would totally make BuzzFeed look bad and give more worthy porn sites a leg up in that fiercely competitive space? After all, not every porn blog gets a 25% investment from NBC.

Publishing this document was not an easy or simple call, and many haters may disagree with our choice. But publishing this dossier reflects how we see the job of reporters in 2017 because we all earnestly woke.

 

Full Transcript: 

 

COMPANY INTELLIGENCE REPORT 2017/090

 

U.S. MEDIA LANDSCAPE: FOOD AND LISTICLE BLOG BUZZFEED BUILDING “FAILING PILE OF GARBAGE” NEWS ORGANIZATION, BOLSTERED BY DEEPLY COMPROMISING RELATIONSHIP WITH THE KREMLIN WHICH PLIES BUZZFEED EDITORS AND REPORTERS WITH HIGH-SUCROSE CANDY AND SAVORY FOODS.

 

Summary

 

  • BUZZFEED a website devoted to inexpensive food preparation videos and desert-driven lifestyle “listicles” has been quietly building a news operation to create a fig leaf of prestige over its true nature as a gluttonous purveyor of food pornography. This news operation is secretly fueled by “fake news” propagated and designed by the Kremlin.

 

  • The Kremlin is feeding BUZZFEED’s voracious appetite for food by delivering “candy”, cakes, and other confectionaries by the truckload to BUZZFEED’s New York headquarters. In return BUZZFEED has maintained a Potemkin Village “news operation” that largely traffics in unsubstantiated reports, rumors and unproven allegations.

 

  • The Kremlin has amassed a large file of “kopromat” on BUZZFEED’s top editors and executive, mostly consisting of disturbing acts of gluttony and inappropriate food consumption of meals prepared on “Tasty”, which supplies more than half of BUZZFEED’s video traffic.

 

  • All BUZZFEED articles are native ads for Golden Corral.

 

  • Major BUZZFEED investor NBC Universal, which controls 25% of the company, has been kept blissfully in the dark about BUZZFEED’s lack of journalistic integrity and lack of adherence to any news standards whatsoever. The infusion of NBC funds has gone largely to “candy” purchases.

 

  • “Candy” may be a code word for children according to leaked John Podesta emails.

 

Detail

 

  1. Speaking to a trusted compatriot in November 2016 sources A and B, a senior very important official of an agency somewhere and an even more important, more secret administrator in some other unverifiable agency, we can conclude that BUZZFEED has been cultivating a sizable stash of “candy” for top BUZZFEED executives. To meet the expanding need for “candy” and other food items to stuff their fat faces, the food porn blog has expanded to (probably fake) news with the help of the FSB.

 

  1. In terms of specifics, Source A confided that the “candy” has become the sole operating purpose of BUZZFEED’s existence, and there apparently can never be enough “candy” which gave the FSB an in to gain leverage over the publication. The “candy” is brought in through a back entrance by interns with draconian NDAs. Interns are hired based on their lack of familial and social ties.

 

  1. The “candy” room is guarded by Janjaweed militiamen BUZZFEED personally smuggled out of Sudan to avoid war crimes trials at The Hague.

 

  1. However there were other aspects to BUZZFEED’s engagement with “candy” and other food items. The Kremilin agents were able to exploit the publication’s obsessions with sexual perversions and food in order to obtain suitable “kompromat” (compromising material) on them. According to Source PP, BUZZFEED’s (perverted) conduct regarding “candy” and other food items was able to be exploited by the Kremlin. A group of BUZZFEED employees were staying at a Moscow hotel room in 2016 where they knew Chip and Joana Gaines (whom they hated) had stayed the night before when filming HGTV’s Fixer Upper: Russia Edition. BUZZFEED “journalists” had already written a hit piece on the couple because they were jealous of their home improvement skills. BUZZFEED journalists are too weak to improve their own homes so they must conscript the indentured interns to do it for them. The staff conducted a bizarre revenge ritual orgy around the hotel bed that the Gaines’ had slept in, smearing “candy” and other food items all over the room. After the depraved scene, the “journalists” were not satisfied and marched to the hotel buffet and gorged themselves on the wide assortment of food choices leaving nothing left for other hotel guests. Hotel staff urged them to stop, appealing to their better nature. “I thought you were journalists,” screamed the hotel concierge. “No we’re just food bloggers who write news,” replied BUZZFEED staff in eerie unison that revealed their orgy-induced trancelike state. There’s a tape of all of this somewhere, probably.

 

  1. All BUZZFEED employees own “candy” handkerchiefs.

 

  1. According to source A and C and kind of sort of Source D, BUZZFEED editor-in-chief BEN SMITH had a secret meeting with Ghostbusters producer Amy Pascal in Los Angeles. At the meeting they said racist things about Barack Obama, and SMITH pledged his fealty to the new Ghostbusters movie. Not only did SMITH agree to uniformly praise the film editorially, he forced all BUZZFEED interns to see the film not once, not twice but three times. Interns were also only allowed to draw sustenance by drinking official Ghostbusters brand Ecto Coolers during the duration of the film’s marketing campaign.

 

  1. The daily news meeting at the publication consists of the journalists sitting around a table stuffing their faces with non fair trade, unsustainable food items, while the malnourished interns stand staring at the food lustfully in the foreground. BUZZFEED management explains this practice by claiming it makes the interns write better food pornography blog posts.

 

  1. In BUZZFEED’s popular web series “Whine About It,” host Matt Bellassai appeared to be drinking wine but the liquid was actually promethazine or “lean” as it is called on the streets. This was SMITH’s idea and it eventually led Bellassai to leave BUZZFEED to become a full time promethazine addict. Now Bellassai ironically sleeps on the very same hard, cold streets that gave nickname to his beloved “lean” syrup.

 

  1. During the 2015 BUZZFEED holiday office party, Source C says the paid employees lined up all the interns from shortest to tallest then forced the tallest intern to fight the shortest intern. The fight had no clear victor, which angered the BUZZFEED staff. The interns were made to play a game of Russian roulette, except instead of a revolver; they used metal forks and electrical sockets. Neither was heard from again.

 

  1. Interns at BUZZFEED are given a six-digit number on their first day that functions as their name for the duration of the internship. Interns caught using real names to refer to themselves or other interns get their food porn listicle quota doubled.

 

  1. When BUZZFEED founder JONAH PERRETI was initially starting the site he was low on funds, said Source 666. To raise capital he hiked to the center of the Old Woods, bringing with him six goats and a newborn lamb. He slit the throats of the animals and used their bloods to draw eight pentagrams, one on the forest floor and seven more on the chakra centers of his body. After incanting the words of the ancient ones, Beelzebub appeared before PERRETI. Beelzebub promised series B funding for BUZZFEED but demanded that whomever runs the cursed site would have to feed from the lifeforce of “candy” or BUZZFEED would turn into a “failing­­­­ pile of garbage.”

 

 

1 January 2017

Advertisement