Congress Moves to Save America From Growing Threat of ‘Snortable Chocolate’

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By Emily Zanotti | 4:30 pm, July 10, 2017
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Having solved all other pressing problems, Congress is back to work this week and addressing the single biggest threat to our nation’s survival: snortable chocolate.

Yes, health care, the tax burden, Climate Change, and other matters of policy, foreign and domestic, will all have to wait until the Food and Drug Administration fully investigates whether snortable chocolate will corrupt our youth and criminalize our population.

On Monday, Democratic Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer’s office issued a strongly worded letter to the FDA, chastising them for missing out on this dangerous trend that literally no one had heard of before now. According to Schumer, the FDA is sadly remiss in not investigating the “use of caffeine in inhalable food products,” which go by names like “Coco Loko.”

“This suspect product has no clear health value,” Schumer’s office said in a statement released to media. “I can’t think of a single parent who thinks it is a good idea for their children to be snorting over-the-counter stimulants up their noses.”

Coco Loko’s Florida-based manufacturer says the product is made from cacao powder, a byproduct of the chocolate-making process, so the “snortable chocolate” powder does contain some caffeine. It promises a slow-release, low-grade stimulation that, according to Coco Loko’s website, is roughly like drinking a can of Red Bull without the eventual sugar crash.

It’s also $24.00 for a tin with 24 servings of the sniffable chocolate powder, so its not like its affordable for the preschool set—and while Schumer may be concerned that its merely a chocolate-scented gateway to cocaine, its handful of Amazon testers weren’t impressed. The product has 1.5 stars out of five, and the most favorable review implores potential consumers to “sniff cocoa powder instead.”

For its part, the FDA says that Coco Loko isn’t popular enough for them to investigate, and they’re not even really sure its a food product that falls within their agency’s purview.

The crusade does offer a much-needed break from endless investigations into the Trump administration for the full Congress, and for Schumer specifically, its a nice change from his previous priority concern: detergent pods that he thought looked good enough to eat.