As media break out the blow torches and pick axes and attempt to sift through what’s left of the smoldering rubble of their “yasss kween” Hillary Clinton campaign, devastated Democrats are already attempting to find a savior for 2020 to dethrone God Emperor Donald Trump. Bernie Sanders will be 112 years old. The feathers in Elizabeth Warren’s headdress aren’t getting any younger, and thanks to 3 consecutive congressional wipe-out elections, the Democrats don’t have much depth on their bench to turn to.
Conventional names like Corey Booker will surely surface, as will names like Julian Castro. But this is a whole new ballgame. In 2008, when the country elected a President who thought he was a reality television star, suddenly a reality television star thought he could be President, and well, here we are. And there is no coming back from it.
Which celebrity savior will Democrats turn to 2020? Here are a few options.
A Trump nemesis and cultural clone in almost every way. The charismatic and confrontational billionaire built his fortune during the dot com boom, parlayed that into a successful NBA team and reality television career and became an important voice for Hillary Clinton. He’s managed to climb under Trump’s ruddy orange peeled skin on more than one occasion, and that’s what would be needed to unseat a President Trump. Plus, Cuban already has presidential experience, thanks to a cameo in Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!
Already a Twitter frontrunner and favorite of the media and coastal elite, Michelle made liberals gush with her fierce speeches on the campaign trail. It didn’t turn out the voters for Hillary Clinton, but that’s not being pinned on Michelle. Barack has already admitted she is the better, smarter half of the marriage and after four years of Melania Trump’s luxurious extravagance, Michelle’s spending habits while First Lady will look downright meager.
Williams has always fashioned himself as more of an entertainer than a newsman and can’t be happy that he has been banished to the late night wilds of MSNBC. Williams has to be licking his chops that an entertainer for NBC with a record of embellishing his personal and professional accomplishments, plus a magnificent head of hair, has managed to harness those traits and elevate himself to the highest office in the land.
So obvious a choice that the mere mention of his name would DESTROY, OBLITERATE, and EVISCERATE anyone else in the primary. Trump absolutely trounced opponents who stood flat footed on a debate stage and had no comebacks for his one liners about hands, face, or genitals. Stewart is a quip master and the thought of retiring right before the rise of Trump has to eat him alive every night while laying awake in bed. John Oliver and Samantha’s Bee’s smug elitism worked so well that the country turned to Donald Trump to save them. Maybe Stewart’s smug elitism can save the Democratic Party?
Yeezy said he’s running. Yeezy is running. He was the first of our cultural betters to know a Trump presidency was inevitable when he announced his candidacy in the middle of Hillary Clinton’s history making campaign. There’s not much more to say than that. Kanye and Kim Kardashian are American culture’s unofficial first couple already. Kim K’s 49 million twitter followers alone dwarf President Trump’s pathetic 14.5 million. Sad!
The mediocre quarterback will eventually grow tired of playing for a mediocre football team, and seek to build on the notoriety he acquired after “making a statement” kneeling during the National Anthem. Maybe the country will be ready for a change after four years of listening to the USA Freedom Kids?
It’s easy to write Schumer off as humorless, joke-stealing feminist, but a look beneath the sheets reveals a bit of an electoral sleeper. Schumer is a distant cousin of Senate Minority Leader and Democrat stalwart Chuck Schumer. His powerful lobby connections instantly become her own and Schumer could clear the field for her much the same way he and other Democrat establishment figureheads cleared the way for Hillary Clinton. Her inevitable campaigns slogan — “At least I’m not Lena Dunham” — could rally the silent majority.
Right, let’s get down to it. George Clooney will be the Democrat nominee in 2020. There’s already talk of him running for governor of California. The Hollywood star, a close personal friend of Barack Obama, has practically been groomed for the role for years now.
Clooney is not a political celebrity contributing to the cause to look “woke” or because it’s cool, and he’s much more tempered and likable than say Ben Affleck. Clooney both starred and directed in The Ides of March, where he plays a populist politician, almost as if he gave himself the role as a test run and he pulls off both the look and the policy. Republicans writing him off as just another smug Hollywood liberal do so at their own peril.
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