Today, the opportunities for women to achieve personal and professional success are almost limitless, but their time is not. Having it all requires prioritizing. By following these few easy steps, even the busiest young woman can manage motherhood.
#1: FIND AN EGG DONOR
Take all the time that you want, girls! Another woman’s eggs have no expiration date. And while it might be nice to have a biological child that bears a family resemblance, with the wonders of modern cosmetic surgery, your egg-donated child could someday choose to look just like you.
You might also want to find a oocyte cryopreservation facility, in case something pops up on your schedule that makes imminent motherhood inconvenient. And while you’re shopping around for genetic material and storage space, pick yourself up some nice sperm. With your busy schedule, the last thing you need is to have to find a man.
#2: GET A SURROGATE TO GESTATE THE EMBRYO AND DELIVER THE BABY
Honestly, who wants that morning sickness, the indigestion, the hormonal swings, and the sleeplessness? And then there is the weight gain. You could easily put on 30, 40, or 50 pounds in the process of growing a baby that only weighs as much as an Oven-Stuffer Roaster. That extra weight doesn’t come off easily, and even if you manage to get down to your pre-pregnancy weight, the shape of your body won’t ever be what it was before.
You’ve seen the videos, you’ve heard the stories. Yes, delivering a baby is a bloody, gruesome business. For good reason, the idea of a vaginal delivery has been terrifying to most young women since the first time they learned that the stork doesn’t really deliver the babies. And the prospect of abdominal surgery to deliver by Caesarean section isn’t any better.
So, why bother when you can just rent a uterus for nine months.
#3: HIRE A LIVE-IN BABY NURSE TO TEND TO YOUR NEWBORN
Brand new babies are a lot of work. They have the self-sufficiency of a doorknob. Feed me, dress me, hold me. The sheer helplessness of a newborn is so relentless that it can be oppressive for new mothers. And newborns lack all consideration of anyone’s needs but their own. You have to answer the doorbell, but they are screaming because they dropped their binkie (again) and need you to pick it up. You’ve needed to use the bathroom all morning, but they are wailing because their diaper is full. The changing of endless dirty diapers and ensuing bottom-cleaning requires a selflessness and patience that few women have. Get a great baby nurse to care for your new bundle of joy, and you’ll be joyous.
Thinking about breastfeeding your baby? This can be especially inconvenient, messy, and painful. Did you know that wet nursing is coming back? Don’t worry about lactating though your good blouses when your baby can have all the benefits of mother’s milk — from someone else’s mother.
#4: HIRE A FULL-TIME NANNY TO RAISE YOUR CHILD
These long, redundant childrearing years can feel like an eternity. Getting them ready for school, feeding them breakfast, packing lunch, checking homework, picking them up after school, taking them to playdates, dentist appointments, etc. It’s another full-time job, in addition to the one that you’re being paid to do! If they misbehave, let the nanny discipline them. Why should you risk alienating your child’s affection by criticizing them? Your fine education, work experience, and professional skill set should be put to better use. Just hire a nanny to do these tedious tasks that don’t require someone with your outstanding credentials. The nanny can be shepherding your children around town and keeping them in line, while you’re at yoga, getting your nails done or meeting with your personal shopper.
#5: SEND YOUR TEENAGER OFF TO BOARDING SCHOOL AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE
Everyone knows that those teenage years are especially challenging. The rebelliousness, moodiness, and contentiousness are more than most mothers are equipped to deal with. Well, it’s never too early for young people to learn to be responsible for themselves, and prep school provides a place for your teenager to gain maturity and independence. Lifelong friendships are formed in places like St. Paul’s, Miss Porter’s, and Phillips Exeter Academy, especially among young people who wonder why their parents were so eager to get rid of them.
Hey, they’ve got to leave the nest sometime! Why postpone the inevitable?
#6: PAY FOR EXPENSIVE, OUT-OF-TOWN COLLEGE
You’re almost done with parenting! Your child is now 18 and ready to matriculate at a fine university, far away from home. Undergraduate years are so packed with classes, studying, extracurricular activities, and socializing, you’ll hardly ever even hear from your child, except when the tuition bill is due for payment or they need money for books, or that Spring Break trip. Congratulations on a job well done.
Happy Mother’s Day! You’ve earned it!
Susan Patton, also known as “The Princeton Mom,” is a frequent television commentator on social issues. She writes for Heat Street and is the author of Marry Smart, Advice for Finding the One.
