It hasn’t even been five months yet and 2017 could be turning out to be the worst year on record. Not because Donald Trump is President. Not because the only things left to watch on television are remakes from 1990s shows Millennials never got to see. Not even because people are making actual clothing out of plastic.
Nope, its because summer has arrived and with it the “RompHim,” a structured one-piece romper-style outfit for men, that gives the demanding Millennial everything he needs in one item of clothing: simplicity, breathe-ability, and an easy way to avoid ever having to sleep with a Tindr date.
According to the Kickstarter, which has made seven times its original goal of $70,000 because everything is terrible and there is nothing better for Millennials to spend their money on, the RompHim is a romper designed for men, and the “start of a fashion revolution.”
It comes in several colors, and you can buy them individually or in sets of three. It has an adjustable waist, a shirt pocket and a zippered back pocket. And in case you’re wondering, unlike women’s rompers, it doesn’t require you to get naked to pee (there’s a zippered flap on the front), even if the guys in the picture mostly look like they use the bathroom sitting down.
There’s even a Fourth of July special edition in case you want to ruin America’s most patriotic holiday by reinforcing that Millennials should never be called upon to defend our nation from advancing evil on foreign shores.
The company, which plans to make and ship the RompHims this summer with the help of an experienced fashion manufacturer in Chicago, also has an Instagram, depicting the romper-wearing bros in the wild, that will make you wish that North Korean nukes could actually reach our shores.
No, we will not meet you at the mint julep stand, largely because you do not drink mint juleps. You drink rose and wine coolers that mask themselves as “hard grape juice” and “hard sparkling water,” while you complain about how ramps aren’t in season at the Whole Foods year round even if you could reliably get kale just a year ago.
Several of the photos also depict the RompHim (why couldn’t they just call it a romper?) bros getting all wet and sudsy, which seems like a terrible idea considering that these appear to be made entirely from cotton, won’t dry correctly that way, and have only a limited amount of space for the family jewels. The only hope you’ll have of saving yourself from singing soprano is if the RompHim itself finally comes to its own senses and tries courageously to escape your personal vortex of dignity.
The worst part may be that the RompHim isn’t even original. They hit the catwalks several years ago along with “man-pris” to no avail in the fashion world, and our fore-fathers, the original hipsters, were be-clothing themselves in single pieces of polyester before they’d even considered regretting having Millennial children.