It’s that time of year again. The time to get together with family and friends, cook a nice meal, then not enjoy it due to the oppressive guilt you weigh on yourself and those around you. Like, did you hear what’s going on at Standing Rock?
But there may be some people callous enough to enjoy this day of turkey murder and belt buckle hat genocide — the children. They are too young to grapple with intense feelings of historical guilt and may just sit happily and enjoy all the mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce you painstakingly made for them.
This cannot happen. We at Heat Street know the importance of a having a miserable Thanksgiving of penance and self-flagellation, so we’ve created a handy guide. You know, for the children.
First of all… are your children white?
Yes? Okay good… I mean bad. Well, good for the sake of easily guilt tripping them. I’d recommend replacing grace with a quick rundown of historical atrocities inflicted on Native Americans by your children’s ancestors. Breeze through the greatest hits of small pox blankets, the Wounded Knee Massacre, Trail of Tears, and many more. Remind them of how, while the alleged Thanksgiving meal was peaceful, it didn’t last long before those nasty pilgrims grew violent out of jealousy. Then remind them it was all their fault, because it was.
They may respond with some glib statement like, “Mommy/daddy, didn’t our ancestors come to America from Eastern Europe in the 60s fleeing communism?”
For this insubordination, I want you to grab a fistful of raisins and shove it into their velvety mashed potatoes, saying “How does that taste now! This is the price of not checking your privilege.”
Wait, they’re not white? Okay bad… I mean good, but bad in this context. You may not be able to go the white guilt route, but you can certainly remind them of all the starving children not enjoying a Thanksgiving meal. Take them on a journey of how the body copes with extreme hunger, literally eating its own fat stores until there’s nothing left.
When your children sheepishly try to save their leftovers and vow to give it to needy children, you must tell them, “No, it’s too late. They already missed their Thanksgiving.”
Make them read the latest headlines.
A good way to kill any youthful optimism is to take your children through all the delightful hot takes that columnists are writing about Thanksgiving. It will surely make them feel bad. I’d recommend Heat Street favorites like Salon, HuffPo, and The Guardian.
Hold them down and force them to watch this awful PETA Thanksgiving explainer.
If historical genocide and distant famine aren’t enough to wipe that yam-eating grin off their faces, maybe a more current genocide will do. The mass slaughter of turkeys.
While this PETA Thanksgiving ad was banned from television, thanks to technology like Roku and Apple TV, it’s not banned from your living room!
Strap them down and force them to watch the ad which graphically details how the turkey is hung up and slaughtered en masse, a martyr for the feast lying before them.
Then you can finally enjoy your meal!
I’d recommend going easy on the salt during cooking. The salt of your children’s tears will easily make up for any lack of sodium.
Happy Genocide Day!