The relentless prying by certain British newspapers into Prince Harry’s romance with Suits actress Meghan Markle has taught us a lot.
How could it not? There have been roughly 3948 almost identical paparazzi shots of her taken over, like, a whole two minutes in London.
We’ve had photos showing Meghan buying flowers. Photos of her in a woolly hat. We’ve had blurred close-ups of a gold ring which is said to have an ‘H’ (for Harry, are you keeping up at the back?) carved into it, a ring which is apparently a declaration of her love for him. It actually shows how much she loves Hermes, because it’s a Hermes ring. Duh.
Anyway, word round the campfire is that Meghan will soon be moving into Kensington Palace with the Prince, despite the fact that she’s got an actual job as an actress in legal dramedy Suits.
The thing is, even bigger rumors are doing the rounds that Meghan has left or will soon be leaving the show, probably because she’s got a better offer – having a cup of tea with Her Majesty on a Tuesday afternoon beats standing around in a pretend law office wearing a pencil skirt she can barely breathe in.
But if you take a look at how she’s fitting in to royal life so far, you’ll find there’s room for improvement:
Royal Clothes:
Meghan Markle already owns a pair of Wellington boots and a Barbour jacket. These items are essential for the upper-classes; if it rains, one doesn’t want ones suede Gucci loafers ruined in a puddle. A Wellington boot, for those of you not familiar with the term, began life as a staple of hunting and outdoor wear for the British aristocracy in the early 19th century.
The dowdy, shapeless Barbour is rain-proof and has loads of pockets, so it’s super handy for keeping hold of ones gold coins, keys to the Range Rover, bullets for the rifle and a light snack – perhaps some Duchy Originals oat biscuits made by her future father-in-law’s company.
The only thing is, Meghan was snapped wearing her Barbour and top-of-the-range wellies while walking down the street in the middle of Kensington, the affluent West London district. There were neither puddles nor pheasants to be shot, so she looked a bit daft. Maybe she was just practicing, in which case, good for her!
Royal Etiquette:
This is a critical one. Meghan was snapped buying bouquets of flowers while in London. Presumably these were for The Queen, and she was on her way to Buckingham Palace for a cup of tea and a bit of Prince Charles cake (as in cake from his own range, not a cake in the shape of Prince Charles).
I can just see her sitting down with Her Majesty, perhaps helping the monarch move up a level in Candy Crush or creating an Instagram account and perfecting the art of the selfie.
Perhaps she helped choose her a new pair of slippers from the Royal Slipper Catalogue (this may or may not be a ‘thing’).
Royal Pets:
Megan has two dogs in Toronto, Guy and Bogart. The Queen has two corgis, Holly and Willow. If Megan had turned up saying, “I really hate dogs, they’re rubbish” there is no doubt that she would have been thrown out on her ear.
The fact that Megan’s dogs aren’t royal might well cause a problem at playtimes, though. The upper-classes generally don’t mix well with commoners, and it’s unlikely that Holly and Willow will know what to say to them, to be honest.
At The Pub:
Harry would do well to write a list of English-isms down so that his girlfriend knows what she’s going on about when she goes to the pub.
That’s the first one – it’s not a bar, it’s a pub. Then there’s English beer, which comes from a tap or a shelf and not a fridge. If she’s feeling peckish she’ll need to order some ‘crisps’ rather than ‘chips’; if subsequently a little worse for wear outside after all the beer she’ll need to rest upon the ‘pavement’ and not the ‘sidewalk’.
That should do, for starters. She’ll be fluent in no time!
