We live in an age where we watch marriages fall apart in public and we get all the gory details.
We know that Ben Affleck had a cozy relationship with his children’s nanny. Beyonce made a whole video concept album about infidelity in her marriage. And we know far too much about what went wrong between Anthony Weiner and Huma Abedin. Yet we know surprisingly little about what makes healthy marriages work.
When we get a glimpse inside those marriages, we seem surprised to discover the functioning couples have set boundaries for each other.
Ashley Parker wrote a piece in the Washington Post on Karen Pence titled “Karen Pence is the vice president’s ‘prayer warrior,’ gut check and shield” But in a tweet she highlighted that “Mike Pence never dines alone w a woman not his wife, nor does he attends events w alcohol, w/o her by his side,” as if this was a strange and novel thing for a married man in a powerful position to do.
In fact, most successful marriages will have some rules for how to deal with possible temptation.
When National Review writer David French was considering an independent run for president last year, Politico writer Kevin Robillard linked to a Kathryn Jean Lopez piece from 2011 in National Review and highlighted that fact that while French was on tour in Iraq his wife was not “allowed” to email men or use Facebook. Lopez wrote:
Nancy and David French write honestly in their book Home and Away about the strains placed on a marriage when husband and wife are apart — and particularly when the man is in a war zone 8,000 miles away. David heartbreakingly recounts: ‘Men were coming home on leave to find their wives gone from their houses. Other men were getting the modern equivalent of the “Dear John” letter via Facebook message or e-mail. Some guys discovered wives or girlfriends were pregnant, and still others were finding that their bank accounts had been looted by the very people they most trusted with their financial affairs.’ Before David left for Iraq, he and Nancy put together rules, in a painfully honest conversation about human frailty. There would be no drinking during the year of separation. Nancy would not “have phone conversations with men, or meaningful e-mail exchanges about politics or any other subject.” Nor would she be on Facebook, where ‘the ghosts of boyfriends past’ could contact her. When Nancy innocently started e-mailing about faith with a man associated with a radio show she was on, she told David about it, and he asked her to end the relationship. David knew, with his ‘stomach clenching,’ that ‘the most intimate conversations a person has are about life and faith’—and that ‘spiritual and emotional intimacy frequently leads to physical intimacy.’
Separations don’t come only in the army, of course. Business, and politics, frequently require such sacrifices. Washington, D.C., is a city where married individuals—many of them with spouses living states away—frequently find themselves at receptions where temptations can arise. Rules come in handy if we value our vows.
One congressional wife says emphatically: “Receptions are a danger zone. Members need to quickly learn that attending receptions is optional, and there are very few they actually need to attend. Members need to learn where to buy quick meals and how to use the microwave. Receptions should not be viewed as the place to get dinner. Married Members should avoid alcohol use in public and private conversations with single women. Do not give out or request private contact info. Staff can handle legitimate requests. Talk about the wife and kids to any and all women!”
We think of ourselves as modern people in modern marriages. We’re independent, we’re not under anyone’s thumb. But the fact is marriages are fragile, that so many of them end in divorce is evidence of that. Having well established guidelines is just smart relationship care.
Sunlight is what works in my marriage. No ex-boyfriend gets to take a trip down memory lane with me. When I’m up late at night writing no one is sliding into my DMs without my husband hearing about it in the morning. Yes, these rules limit some interactions. We don’t get to make new, close friends of the opposite sex. Old friends are grandfathered in. When my husband has the occasional dinner with a close female friend he has known for decades, I encourage and support it. But he won’t be coming home and telling me about this amazing new woman he met and hanging out with her alone. And while he’s supportive of my maintaining close friendships with lifelong male friends, I don’t get to make new ones.
I was on an internet poker forum a few years before we got married. A poker pro I had heard about was posting comments I found funny so I dropped him a line and said so. This led to us staying in touch and growing closer via instant messenger and email over the years. He lives in Los Angeles and we live in New York City but whenever we are in each other’s towns we make it a point to get together, often with our spouses. He’s the last independently-made male friend I’ll ever make. He made it in just under the cut-off. Those are our rules and they work for us.
It isn’t crazy to have rules in a marriage. Our big one is to never do or say anything we wouldn’t do or say in front of each other. Loyalty and faithfulness are maintained at all times. Affairs don’t start with a physical relationship, they start through conversation, flirting, intimacy. After all, Anthony Weiner is said to not have had a physical relationship with any woman other than his wife during his marriage. But does that mean he was faithful?
The Frenches and the Pences have it exactly right. Setting guidelines in a marriage, and following them, is sane and healthy. Others should follow in their footsteps.
