Earlier this year, Gwyneth Paltrow claimed to have given up acting in order to focus on her lucrative website and lifestyle company, Goop. She also said her project would culminate in a veritable Goop-a-palooza—a three-day Goop conference in LA where Goopers would be able to hobknob with their natural living gurus, and even Paltrow herself.
Attendees shelled out between $500 and $1,500 for the privilege of walking through a parking lot and attached convention center packed to the gills with Paltrow-endorsed products—like a $110 moisturizer and, of course, those notorious jade eggs that are supposed to energize your love life.
They also had the privilege of attending deeply philosophical panels, where some of Goop’s most popular pseudo-scientists dished on the “healing modalities” of the natural world—to “hold the light, the consciousness, for a different way of being.”
One “wellness expert” explained that humans conduct photosynthesis, then said we have no idea what makes water wet, nor why birds fly. A wildlife expert posited that animals don’t get cancer and that humans are not meant to eat tomatoes, potatoes and peppers, because we all emigrated from Europe and Asia, where tomatoes, potatoes and peppers don’t grow.
Chemists, zoologists and aeronautical engineers were, apparently, not invited to participate—and neither were any Italian chefs. But actress Cameron Diaz and swimsuit model Miranda Kerr were invited to discuss the difficulties of finding your way in careers that are centered almost entirely on looks and body type.
Kerr also helpfully instructed the audience in how to “earth” (that is, walk around barefoot) and waxed poetic about her leechings (though she doesn’t like that they kill the leeches after they suck your blood, so she rescues them and puts them in her koi pond).
Refinery29‘s reporter on the scene even got to witness some of the Goop-endorsed anti-aging procedures, including a $3,500 “five minute face lift” done right on stage, with a doctor performing his nip and tuck on a numbed-up Goop employee. Others, like the reporter from Elle, got to learn about “orgasm equality“— a concept that seems self-explanatory but was, apparently, never fully defined.
The swag bags were the best part, according to some of Gwyneth’s social media followers, who came away with $200 in stuff, like hair towels, books, lip balm and moisturizer, but also Goop’s preferred brands of condoms and lube. Magical.