The most ardent devotees of Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog of questionable health advice and terrible ideas, will meet up in LA in June, for their first ever “Goop Health Summit.”
For a mere $500 per ticket (or more – there are several levels with differing access, all named after Gwyneth’s favorite “healing crystals”), the Hollywood star-turned-lifestyle guru’s biggest fans can partake in Gwyneth’s signature healing therapies, from “aural photography” to “flower remedies” to “sound baths,” none of which are medically sound, but all of which cost lots of money.
They’ll also partake in “collagen martinis” to boost their youthfulness and eat a menu curated by Gwyneth herself (but, fortunately, not cooked by Gwyneth, whose recipes, a study found, could cause you to suffer from severe food-borne illness).
The martinis are still under construction, of course, but Gwyneth is sure that she can turn her favorite dirty martini into a medicine to treat something you probably don’t have but will pay money to correct, regardless.
In case the conference wears them out, they’ll be able to meet up with the “doctor” behind Gwyneth’s famous “adrenal fatigue” vitamins, and perhaps, if they’re lucky, they’ll get to partake in one of Gwyneth’s favorite communal therapies, vaginal steaming.
No, really.
For a mere $1500, you could dine with “GP” herself, and come home with $500 worth of gifts packed into a designer goody bag. If you’re lucky, you might even just snag one of “GP’s” patented “Jade Egg” vaginal cleansing devices, that allow you to “balance your chi” by sticking a rock up your ladyparts.
At least Gwyneth says the money will be well spent. “We have incredible access to the best doctors, wellness experts, chefs, and products,” Paltrow told Fast Company, “and we knew that our readers would find an interactive symposium like this hugely valuable.”
And she should know – her vitamins (which treat a disease that doesn’t even exist) netted her more than $100,000 in sales the first day they were relased.
Capitalism is a wonderful and terrible thing.
