Cosmo’s Christmas Gift Guide Is All Vagina-Themed Jewelry

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By Emily Zanotti | 6:45 pm, December 12, 2016

If you’re confused about what to get the hardcore feminist in your life for Christmas, look no further than the annual Cosmopolitan holiday gift guide — the “feminist bible,” if you don’t consider that their regular beauty advice and sex tips undermine the girl power manifestos that litter their pages.

The trick is balancing the societal and cultural expectation of the gift exchange, which is defined as an apolitical gesture, against her likely belief that holiday-themed gift giving is a demonstration of your Patriarchial leanings, thinly disguised with the trappings of organized religion.

Cosmopolitan‘s solution is simple: vagina jewelry.

The gift not only conveys an appreciation for your partner’s feminist stance on random issues, but also demonstrates a healthy respect for the female anatomy and a comfort level with inner femininity.

And there are a surprising number of vagina-themed jewelry options to choose from.

There are silver-plated IUDs, designed to help you match your uterus to your ears — and at $45 they’re a steal, even for feminists concerned that Donald Trump is about to cut them off completely from any form of birth control, rendering their sex lives meaningless and their real IUDs valuable relics.

If IUDs aren’t your style, there are also these nifty tampon earrings molded from an OB sanitary product, hopefully before use. Those are a gift for a more serious, yet still statistically equal relationship, with a price tag of $190.

There are a number of actual, anatomically accurate vagina and uterus jewelry options on Cosmo‘s list, including a copper wire baby-maker (made out of the same copper wire as a real IUD!), and a “hand-drawn” pendant that Cosmo suggests would be great for sorting out the men in your life.

If they recognize the female reproductive organ (or react positively when you point it out), they’re allowed to remain your friend or family member. If they fail the below-the-belly-button Rorschach test, they may be banished from your presence forever — or at least until they’ve finished the complete works of Margaret Atwood and can cogently explain intersectionality.

Not content to let the internal segments get all the attention, Cosmo also offers several sparkly ladyparts options, of varying levels of artistic interpretation. Their offerings range from “minimalist” and “subtle” variations on the theme — that look more Georgia O’Keefe than Grey’s Anatomy — to exact replicas that Cosmo mentions can be used for “instruction” (there’s even a limited edition bedazzled — or should we say, “vajazzled” — option, just for Christmas).

In case you were furious that Cosmo‘s editors were favoring cis-gendered, intact females by making their Christmas list all about the vagina, they do assure you that all of the aforementioned gifts are perfect for anyone on your list. You “don’t have to have [a vagina] to rock” one, they point out. You just have to respect their value.

Or something.