‘Adulting School’ Opens for Special Snowflake Millennials

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By Ian Miles Cheong | 1:28 pm, December 1, 2016
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In case you haven’t had enough of social justice warriors and their endless litany of struggles, there’s now an official school of adulting, tailor-made for them. Purported to be the solution to a lost generation’s inability to function, the Adulting School aims to help those drifting in their 20s and 30s to start “adulting like a boss.”

It’s a natural — albeit comically ineffectual — next step in the trend to cater to society’s inept. For years, BuzzFeed and their ilk have been publishing article after article about adulthood; colleges have been wasting students’ time as well as tuition with ball pits and other absurd methods of coddling, to help create safe spaces for twentysomethings; and #Adulting is used in advertising copy with regularity.

But when exactly did being an adult become an actual hardship? Probably around the same time that every Halloween costume became a cultural appropriation or every video game with combat became a murder simulator. It became a problem when people wanted another issue to have to complete their transformation into special snowflakes. Nowadays being an adult is simply too hard because every twenty and thirtysomething with social justice on the brain wants a problem to excuse their average, mundane existence and existential crisis.

The best part? According to NYMag, it’s about more than just adulting. It’s to help combat “the looming threat of Trump.” What a spin. They go on to explain further: “If you’re in the position of feeling like a stable adult […] you have the capacity to start to get involved with something beyond yourself.” If that doesn’t make you want to spend your parent’s hard-earned cash, I don’t know what will. With a course list that includes lessons on how to show up on time and how to pay your credit card bills, political activism is clearly the next step these soon-to-be adults will practice. Once again, modern journalism proves itself to be very logical and completely unbiased!

At the end of the day, though, anything is better than begging on Patreon for donations — even if it’s just attending a school to learn about how to get a job. Maybe Brianna Wu and Zoe Quinn could start a GoFundMe to attend. Better yet, they could become instructors teaching how to be a professional victim for a side income.

But seriously: If getting groceries, doing taxes, or even getting a job is too hard, you can now pay a group of people to talk to you about it and help you through this tremendous struggle. That’s the world we’ve made and now have to live with.

Instead of being a rite of passage, growing up is now problematic. What a time to be alive.

What a time to be an adult.

Ian Miles Cheong is a journalist and outspoken game critic. You can reach him through social media at @stillgray on Twitter and on Facebook.