Oh, Tom. What have you done? You pick up a Golden Globe and people are clapping and some are confused but hey, you’ve got everyone’s attention and what do you do? In the words of Arrested Development, ‘You made a huge mistake‘.
See, Hiddleston thanked lots of people and then went on to talk about his time spent with doctors and nurses in South Sudan who had apparently binge-watched The Night Manager.
Twitter duly went into meltdown and it was conceded that his comments were a bit egotistical and as inappropriate as marrying a horse. He blames nerves. Anyone sensible would have blamed booze, but there you go.
Still, at least it stopped everyone talking about the Hiddleswift fiasco of 2016. No, wait, people are still talking about it. Let’s face it, they will always talk about it because it was just so…well, weird.
At times like this it’s probably best to disappear from the limelight for a while. Go off-grid. Forget Hollywood. Just a couple of months, you know, to let the dust settle.
Here are some suggestions of how to spend your downtime wisely:
1. Take a cruise:
Not Tom Cruise but instead an on-the-seas-holiday kind of cruise. Maybe you’ve always wanted to seeThe Northern Lights but never got round to it because you were too busy ironing your linen suits for The Night Manager? Perhaps you long to take in the incredible sight of bright white melting glaciers or gasp at the price of a pizza in Iceland? Take your mum along. A nice trip away from the paparazzi is just what she needs after Hiddleswift. The poor woman was bombarded by those pesky paparazzi (somewhat conveniently) jumping out of the bushes while you escorted her and Taylor down a remote country lane to your local for a Sunday roast. Just imagine having a nice glass of prosecco on deck, binoculars in hand and your mum pointing enthusiastically at seals. It’d be glorious. No paparazzi either. Unless your PR calls ahead, of course.
2. Sign up for a life-drawing class:
You could go along and draw somebody if you’re that way inclined, but be prepared that they might be very ugly or very fat. You’re an actor, so you’re used to having very handsome and very beautiful people around you so this might be quite terrifying. Better still, volunteer yourself as the subject. The studios are usually really cold, though, because art lecturers wear loads of cardigans and never put the heating on. You’d have to sit still for hours, too, but your classical training should come in handy for that. Book yourself in for a spray-tan the day before and bring your own bathrobe; you’re a Golden Globe winner now, you don’t want to end up in a second-hand, moth-ridden, germ-laden item from the art school’s lost property box, do you?
3. Start an allotment:
Seriously, it’s apparently very relaxing. It’s also a good time to plant stuff. Actually, I don’t think it is the right time to plant stuff but you’d probably need to get on a waiting list anyway. Every middle-class person in London wants one. Harvest some vegetables and make soup to take into work. I know you have a massive catering company doing all the food on set but you could keep some in a flask under the director’s chair and nip over for a sip whenever there’s a break in filming. Don’t forget to protect strawberry plants with nets to avoid bird pecks! Good luck.
4. Join a dating agency:
If you’re looking for love, try outside the Hollywood mayhem machine for a start. Go under a false name – ‘Tim Biddleston’ perhaps- and pretend that you work in a diaper factory or in a bank. Don’t mention your Golden Globe, or the humanitarian work you do in Sudan. Oh OK, just a bit about it. You’re never going to find everlasting love in that mad bubble, just look at Brangelina. Hang on, just look at you and Taylor Swift. You don’t want to go on about your past loves, so if you go on a date and the lady says, “Hang on a minute, you look a lot like that chap who slid awkwardly down a waterslide with that Taylor Swift”, you’ll have to use your celebrated acting skills to the max and laugh it off. Simply run your fingers through your perfect hair, look bashful, clutch your hand to your chest and scoff: “Me? With Taylor Swift? Are you sure? Ha ha, if only. I mean, I wish. Like, that would never happen. That’s mad. Us two, together, a couple? I think you’ve had enough to drink for one night young lady. Taxi!”
5. Start a fight club:
You’re good at that stuff. Loki didn’t take any sh*t from anyone and we all know that you let Chris Hemsworth punch you only to make the scene look super authentic. Go back to your Capoeira fighting days but don’t tell anyone you can actually do it. Take a couple of knocks on the chin, and one to the body, and then unleash your ancient Brazilian skills upon your unsuspecting opponent whilst shouting out lines from The Night Manager. Just let loose and get all your frustration out once and for all. So much confusion will reign and so much blood will be shed but it’ll be fun. Get your PR to hide behind some garbage bins or empty cardboard boxes and film it. It can then be ‘leaked’ to the press and ‘accidentally’ posted on YouTube. Then you’ll be back in contention to be the new James Bond.