Ladies and gentleman, I need to alert you to a very pressing national security matter that the government of these United States of America and it’s law enforcement personnel are either too incompetent or too complacent to address: Tom Hiddleston has clearly been kidnapped by Taylor Swift.
Now, this is obviously not the sort of tragic abduction that happens far too often where a young man or woman is snatched from everything he or she loves and kept in some cell in a gross old guy’s basement.
This is a Taylor Swift-style abduction. This is luxury kidnapping.
Instead of being kept in a homemade prison, he’s being kept in her private jet. A cage is still a cage, people, even if it is a gilded one.
Let’s look at the evidence. It started some time around May 1, when both were attending Anna Wintour’s pre-Met Ball party at the fashion editor’s house. Take a look at this picture, which shows potential future James Bonds Idris Elba and Tom Hiddleston leaving the party together. Who is that in the door behind them, sizing up her prey and deciding which 007 she’s going to make her own? Taylor Swift. Jeez, Tom, how do you think you’re going to play the most famous spy in the world when you’re being held captive by a 26-year-old country singer who weighs less than a basket full of kittens?
Cut to two weeks later, and TayTay has absconded with Hiddleston and taken him to her compound in Rhode Island. (Does anything say “evil mastermind” like owning a compound?) Now the amateur move would be to secret him away and not tell anyone. But Taylor is a pro. She decided to hide in him plain sight by having some clearly staged paparazzi pictures taken to show the world that she has him and he’s in good hands. Notice how, in the pictures, she’s always holding on to Tom? That’s not love, that’s intimidation. Look at this picture where she is holding him from behind, making sure that he doesn’t scurry off down the strand and try to alert the local authorities.
Ever since then, Hiddleston hasn’t been let out of Taylor’s sight even long enough to change his boxers or make an old fashioned at the minibar. Next they were off to Nashville to attend a Selena Gomez concert and meet Swift’s parents. This makes total sense because Taylor needs to convince her friends and family that everything is fine and that she is not keeping a famous Hollywood actor against his will.
Then they hopped on TayTay’s aeronautical containment device to fly to the UK to convince Hiddleston’s parents of the same thing. If Mr. and Mrs. Hiddleston think that Taylor is such a nice girl, they’ll never suspect that she is going to chain their son to a radiator and only let him out when he needs to make appearances at Comic Con or protect her from Kanye West at various and sundry awards shows. The pair landed in the UK on June 24, the day after the fateful Brexit vote. Now, I’m not saying that Taylor Swift had anything to do with the UK’s historic move to leave the European Union, but it is coincidental that they were there at the same time.
Finally, it was off to Rome, where the two toured the Coliseum and took a private helicopter tour of the city. That must be so that no one can get close enough to Tom to ask him if everything is all right. Once again, if you look at all the pictures, there is not a moment that Taylor doesn’t have her hands on Tom, keeping him in check. This kidnapping is clearly evidence that law enforcement around the world is either on Taylor’s payroll or not doing their job. Just look at this picture from Rome. There is clearly someone in a uniform just behind him. That man probably has a gun. He could take Swift down and put an end to this man’s torture once and for all.
Now, Hiddleston might not even know that he’s been kidnapped. After all, his captivity hasn’t been so bad. When you’re lying in a plush cotton robe on 1 jillion thread count sheets at the $18,900 a night Najinski Suite at the Hotel de Russie life doesn’t seem so bad. Tom has gotten some great experiences out of this thing: concerts, vacations, tours. I also bet that she is constantly plying him with snacks. Taylor Swift most definitely has access to the best snacks the planet has to offer.
Even still, that doesn’t mean she isn’t keeping him against his will. Tom didn’t take down Hugh Laurie in “The Night Manager” and start a global invasion of an alien race in The Avengers just to succumb to a confessional pop star who has more Instagram followers than the rest of us will ever have dollars in the bank.
Though the FBI, CIA, MI-6, and whatever the hell they call the secret service in Italy haven’t figured out this global fraud, luckily the social media elite have dubbed the relationship a fake. They can see that this whole thing is being staged — a charade on an international level.
Luckily for us, the pair is being dogged by the media, so if Tom wants to get us a signal he can do it at any time. Like, if he needs to be rescued he could just look down the barrel of a paparazzi lens and wave three times with his left hand. Then we’ll know for sure to send in a SWAT team and bring this seasoned criminal to justice. Until then we’ll just have to wait and watch, hoping that, at some point, Taylor will run out of snacks and Hiddleston will break free on his own. I’m sure there’s a great song in there somewhere.
