Perhaps the best part of the holidays is snuggling up with your family, ordering Chinese food (or anything you don’t have to cook), and settling in for a Christmas movie marathon.
But given the current climate, even the most innocuous of holiday films are now undeniably problematic. And chances are, at least someone in your family — probably a college-age Millennial — is going to want to know exactly how they’ll be triggered by the heartwarming, family friendly movie you’re all about to enjoy.
So we’ve put together a list of films you’ll probably need to discuss ahead of time — just in case you need to deploy a little comfort for your special snowflakes — so that they don’t ravage you on Tumblr or file a grievance with Child Protective Services
1. Die Hard
The quintessential Christmas movie, Die Hard is packed to the gills with holiday cheer, action, explosions, profanity, duct work, bloody white tank tops, and strange German men taking swan dives off high rises.
Be sure to warn the campus activists in your life, though, that Nakatomi’s Christmas party might come with a few snags — like sexual harassment allegations.
2. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
Conventional wisdom is that this second iteration of the Home Alone franchise isn’t as good as the first, but that shouldn’t stop you from taking in the sights and sounds of New York at Christmastime, from the perspective of two robbers with a vendetta against a ten year old.
You’ll want to make sure any Hillary Clinton voters are out of the room for the Plaza Hotel scenes, though, because they might be emotionally scarred by a sudden and unexpected Donald Trump cameo.
3. The Muppet Christmas Carol
The Muppets make fine work of Charles Dickens’s iconic short story about a capitalist, corporate skinflint who’s turned soft by the intervention of paranormal ephemera (and the songs are super catchy).
But you’ll want to warn your progressive friends that by doing the movie, Kermit and Gonzo are probably now complicit in Dickens’s abject racism against Native peoples — a quality which has gotten his seminal works of literature banned in institutions of higher education across the globe.
4. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
There’s plenty for social justice warriors to hate in the timeless Chevy Chase classic about a family attempting to navigate Christmas in the Chicago suburbs. There’s a fried cat (PETA won’t like that), a cooked turkey (your vegan cousin’s going to object), Randy Quaid, and excess consumption of fossil fuels.
But you’ll especially want to warn your local feminist that it contains evidence of anachronistic, Patriarchal, and hetero-normative relationships. Salon even once wrote a 1,200-word essay in defense of Clark Griswold’s childless, progressive neighbors.
5. The Santa Clause
The Tim Allen classic, where a man accidentally murders Santa Claus and has to fulfill the jolly old elf’s holiday toy delivery obligations, which results in a permanent North Pole position, is a staple of the “25 Days of Christmas” movie marathons.
But since the 1990s, when the movie came out, “fat shaming” and “fat acceptance” have become hot topics. Anyone “body positive” will have to leave the room when doctors, friends, neighbors, and children tell Santa’s replacement to shed the cookie weight.
Sure, Will Ferrell is as “woke” as any celebrity can ever hope to be, but his movie about a human, raised among elves, and set loose in New York without a basic understanding of personal space or cultural mores, takes some liberties radical feminists just won’t be happy with.
Buddy is regularly caught leering at his co-workers, even creeping into the women’s showers to get a moment alone with a fellow department store elf. At one point, he and Zooey Deschanel even duet on that most offensive of all Christmas carols, “Baby It’s Cold Outside” — and not the sanitized, sexually empowering version.