Hollywood made the right move by deciding to reboot the 1984 classic Splash with a modern twist. Instead of ogling at a half-fish, half-human Daryl Hannah, we’ll be ogling at Channing Tatum’s sexy merbod. Yay, feminism for the win!
But tampering with timeless classics can’t stop there. Hollywood should not rest until all ’80s blockbusters are made into uninspired gender-swapped reboots.
Here’s a few suggestions:
Back to the Future (2019) starring Rebel Wilson and Dame Helen Mirren, directed by Paul Feig
In classic Paul Feig Ghostbusters (2016) fashion, the Back to the Future remake will not receive a distinguishing title, forcing some sexists to call it the all-female Back to the Future.
Marsha McFly (Rebel Wilson) and Doc Brown (Helen Mirren) will travel back in time and screw up the future so bad that Donald Trump becomes president. The pair will have to return to the past and make sure Hillary wins by working with Correct the Record to tirelessly argue with Trump supporters and Bernie or Busters on social media.
Pretty Man starring Zac Efron and Anna Gunn, directed by Paul Feig
Not an ’80s movie, but ’90s flicks are also ripe for a good genderbending.
Breaking Bad’s Anna Gunn is fresh off her role as a ruthless business woman in Equity. She’ll reprise a version of this character in Pretty Man, the story of a female corporate titan who hires down-and-out male escort Zac Efron, to attend a series of classy social functions.
During their time together Gunn teaches Efron to behave like a sophisticated gentleman, while Efron teaches Gun the importance of letting loose and speaking her mind.
After a falling out, Gunn returns to Efron’s squalid apartment, sweeps him off his feet and rescues him from his life of abject poverty, subverting tropes and proving once and for all that men are weak and feeble without a strong woman to save them.
The Blues Sisters starring Melissa McCarthy and Kristin Wiig, directed by Paul Feig
Who better to make a remake of a movie that will severely piss people off if mishandled than Paul Feig! The onscreen chemistry between McCarthy and Wiig will makes Belushi and Aykroyd look like talentless hacks, and you’re a basement-dwelling misogynist virgin if you think any less.
To save their childhood Catholic orphanage (run by Franciscan monks), McCarthy and Wiig set out to put on a charity blues show, but are dogged on their journey by men’s rights advocates, a mysterious man and, of course, the police.
They pay the orphanage’s tax bill in the end but are still arrested for their shenanigans—though they receive a far lighter prison sentence than Aykroyd and Belushi.
The Princess Groom starring Mila Kunis and Michael Cera, directed by Paul Feig
Dread Pirate Roberta (Mila Kunis) will sweep the hapless Prince Butterface (Michael Cera) off his feet in this tired unimaginative retelling of The Princess Bride.
The evil Prince Humpersnake (Taylor Swift) will be hot on Roberta’s heels, spreading vicious lies about Roberta in the press and talking shit behind her back. In the end, Roberta will realize she doesn’t need a prince after all and leave Cera to be ravaged by T-Swift and her “squad.”
The Terminatress starring Gwendoline Christie, directed by Paul Feig
In the year 2050, the earth is a Utopia run by strong, independent female robots. A group of humans led by internalized misogyny-ridden Jane Connor rebel against the machines to restore the patriarchy.
The hero of the story, the Terminatress (Gwendoline Christie) must travel back in time to give Jane’s father Sean (Bradley Cooper) a vasectomy in order to save the future of the mecha-matriarchal order.
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