Amy Schumer’s New Movie Was Great If You Like Stale Vagina Jokes and Are Afraid of South America

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By William Hicks | 2:34 pm, May 12, 2017
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Because I love you so much, readers, this is an article of pure fan service. Five hundred words dumping on Amy Schumer’s shitty new movie Snatched, which I subjected myself to in a theater.

Anyone with wrinkles in their brain could already tell the movie was going to suck just by the trailer. She basically played the exact same character as in her last film, Trainwreck, except was somehow less funny. At the beginning she loses her job and her rockstar boyfriend and is a total mess!  Get it together gurrl! [Insert three consecutive vagina jokes]

But Amy’s biggest problem is she booked a nonrefundable vacation to Ecuador and sans a boyfriend, has no one to go with. Apparently this “trainwreck” also doesn’t have any good friends either so she has to take her shut-in, divorcee mother, Goldie Hawn.

At first Hawn doesn’t want to go because she thinks South America is dangerous. The ongoing theme of the movie is that anywhere in South America outside the tourist resorts is a death sentence for white people.

Schumer convinces her mom to go with possibly the funniest line in the whole movie, “Let’s put the fun in nonrefundable.” Yep.

So they go to some beach resort in Ecuador and, of course, the mom is being the wet blanket while party gurrrl Amy Schumer is trying to get laid or something. Then this super hot guy at the bar starts talking to her and it’s totally obvious he’s gonna kidnap her because he’s just way too hot for Amy Schumer, who just moments before was onscreen in a bikini with three to four jelly rolls showing.

Oh yeah, Snatched is about Schumer and Goldie Hawn getting kidnapped. Get it, Snatched. It’s literally the perfect title of an Amy Schumer movie. Both a nod to the plot and an overt reference to her vagina.

So they get kidnap by the hot guy, but only because Amy Schumer doesn’t heed her mother’s advice and they all leave the gated resort and take a short day trip to the poverty-infested lands of Ecuador.

For someone as “woke” and progressive as Amy Schumer, the entire movie is just shitting on Ecuador and Columbia. At the end of the film, Schumer hugs Hawn and says: “I should have listened to you, I’m so sorry.” So the moral of the film is to never leave the tourist resort. When visiting the relatively tourist-friendly nation of Ecuador, it’s best to cloister yourself in a sanitized Western-style hotel.

Amy and Goldie then wind up in Columbia strolling through the Amazon rainforest in flip flops after escaping their captors and come across an idyllic tribe of natives. Schumer is appalled to find the women do all the work while the men just sit around all day being misogynists. This structure of society has never existed in the Amazon or anywhere ever, but was apparently the invention of the addled white feminist mind of screenwriter Katie Dipold (who also wrote “Lady Ghostbusters”).

I seriously thought Amy Schumer was going to teach the natives feminism. The scene seemed to be heading that way, but somehow averted disaster at the last moment.  I’d like to think the scene was enthusiastically shot, but cut after some Latino person ran into the editing room at the last second foreseeing the angry anti-colonialist Twitter mob.

If I had to give this movie an honest score, I’d give it a one Amy Schumer vagina joke out of five Amy Schumer vagina jokes. The perfect movie for anyone who’s afraid of South America and thinks vaginas are hilarious for some reason.

And fuck you Lena Dunham, this movie neither healed or calmed me!

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