America in Decline: Charlie Brown and Strawberry Shortcake Sold to Canadian Company

One hundred years from now, when scholars look at the fractured hellscape that used to be the United States — now populated by biker gangs in football pads — they will point to this moment as the catalyst of American decline.

Charlie Brown, the whole Peanuts family and Strawberry Shortcake have been sold off to a Canadian company. DHX Media, headquartered in Halifax, Nova Scotia, acquired the god-fearing AMERICAN company Iconix Brand Group, which owns the intellectual properties, for $345 million.

DHX Media is the company responsible for such crimes against humanity as Teletubbies, Yo Gabba Gabba and, most malevolently, Caillou.

The Peanuts comic strip and their TV holiday specials have been a fixture of American life since 1950. A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special doesn’t even make sense in a Canadian context. Canadians have Thanksgiving in October and they celebrate, I assume, by sucking raw maple syrup straight from trees without proper instruments.

With our neighbors up north in control of Peanuts and Strawberry Shortcake, what will they try to take next, Wisconsin? I don’t trust Canadians, never did. And I certainly don’t trust them to make a sequel to the critically acclaimed hit The Peanuts Movie. 

RIP America.

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