Cosmopolitan, the magazine that is so entrenched in hetero-normative standards, its current issue contains no fewer than four articles about how to please your man during heterosexual intercourse, wants you to know that revealing your baby’s gender before he or she is born will probably corrupt them for life.
In the wokest of woke takes, Cosmo‘s resident radical feminist reveals that baby showers, which, recently, have come to involve complex “gender reveals” where couples cut into cakes or release balloons to find out what binary sex their precious little one will be saddled with at birth, are “potentially damaging.”
Not only is Cosmo‘s crack reporter “uncomfortable” with celebrating a fetus’s “gestational markers,” but she’s very concerned that “gender-reveal” parties don’t actually reveal a baby’s gender. They reveal what genitalia the babies will be born with, which may or may not correspond to the gender they feel they are a bit down the line.
By shoehorning a newborn into either a “male” or “female” box—and worse, still, associating them with the hetero-normative colors “blue” and “pink”—expectant parents are, quite literally, Hitler.
No, we’re not joking, apparently, Hitler began associating pink with “feminine” characteristics, and so by assigning pink to a female (or a particularly effeminate male), you are basically saying you’re exactly like the mastermind behind the Third Reich. Actually probably worse, because Hitler was vegan.
Gender reveal parties also reinforce the archaic notion that gender is binary. Since all 37 or so genders aren’t adequately represented by a color on the color wheel, you can never truly be woke when trying to celebrate your special delivery.
“The popularity of gender-reveal parties speaks to how powerful and central this binary is to our sense of identity,” one expert told Cosmo. “Still, they make me a little queasy. By collapsing gender expression, gender identity, and sex, you’re doing everyone a disservice, because no one buys into the whole package all the time.”
This is fairly run-of-the-mill modern intersectional feminist philosophy (or, what passes for “philosophy”), but unfortunately for expectant parents, the horror does not end there. Gender reveal parties, our correspondent crows, are also supremely narcissistic.
Next time you have a baby shower, the writer suggests, show the guests in your social media photos. Concentrate on their feelings. Don’t focus on your pregnancy, or the impending birth of a new human. Focus on what you’ve come together to learn as a community of woke individuals, who just happen to gather to eat cupcakes and trade Moby wraps.
Weirdly enough, the piece is currently hanging out on Cosmo‘s website next to another essay, entitled “An Open Letter to My Wife After the Birth of Our Son,” so some enterprising editor should get on that before that specific child is scarred for life.