Ah, April 20, the day of drug consumption—and an annual reminder that people who celebrate it are society’s most infuriating people.
The origins of Thursday’s holiday, known colloquially as “420,” remain unclear (probably because stupid stoners got too high to write anything down). But most people generally agree that a group of high-school teenagers in California started smoking pot at 4:20 after school in the 1970s. Somehow, millions of people now celebrate by lighting up and embarking on a pilgrimage to 7-Eleven for salty snacks.
As society continues its descent into “woke” madness, even the chillest of holidays is now under attack. According to some Internet social justice warriors, hitting that bong might as well be the same thing as burning a cross.
Before you take a seat, roll up a fat doobie with some Devil’s lettuce and convince yourself that drugs enhance terrible jam bands, think long and hard about how your festivities perpetuate institutional racism.
Thankfully, author Jen Ashley Wright reminds 420 celebrants that they’re not really celebrating a stupid plant, they’re cheering on racism:
I won’t deny that simply smoking a lot of pot can get you a book deal, but I’ll counter that this is a transracial phenomenon. After all, would Snoop Dogg really be the man he is today if he just packed chewing tobacco all day instead of lighting joints?
Internet denizens concurred with Wright’s take and used today as yet another excuse to chastise white people for merely existing.
If I were to smoke marijuana (which I’d never do, Mr. Murdoch), it wouldn’t be to forget that I’m a “racist piece of s**t,” but to forget that I live in a world that has a holiday where lazy drug users worship the flower that smells like leakage from a skunk’s anal glands.
Still, some white people can’t escape today’s celebrations. Don’t worry, the woke progressive army understands—and has suggestions on donating indulgences to various left-wing organizations.
As an aside, I’m really enjoying the thought of a bunch of stoner bros getting high and then having some annoying Wesleyan graduate barging in and lecturing them on why the money they just spent on Dominos would have been more justly used by Planned Parenthood.
The irony of social justice warriors turning a day that used to signify rebellion against The Man into another example of structural racism can’t be stressed enough. On the other hand, it’s really hard to say which camp is more annoying: the stoners or the perpetually outraged. Instead of taking a side, I’ll just treat this as another Iran-Iraq war—and pour myself another drink.