Happy Cinco de Mayo, the annual American tradition where pictures of American frat bros in sombreros circulate on social media and engender widespread outrage and condemnation by the liberal blogosphere.
Contrary to popular belief, Cinco de Mayo does NOT celebrate Mexican independence, but the 1862 Battle of Puebla, an upset victory of the Mexican army against the dirty, loutish French. The holiday is primarily celebrated in the Mexican state of Puebla, but has become hugely popular with Americans looking for an excuse to black out on tequila once a year.
But be careful readers! You don’t want to end up as the feature image of a Salon article. Cinco de Mayo must be celebrated with complete respect and reverence, lest the PC police knock on your door and fine you one future job offer.
We at Heat Street love nothing more than stuffy political correctness so here’s a quick how-to guide to celebrate Cinco de Mayo unproblematically.
Instead of celebrating Cinco de Mayo as a pro-Mexican holiday, make it an anti-French holiday.
Let’s be real, no one likes the French. Did you know that about 45 percent of the French population are fucking white males? Gross!
Instead of dressing up as offensive caricatures of Mexicans (sombreros, sarapes and fake mustaches), simply dress up in offensive French caricatures. A simple costume of a striped shirt, beret and a long, thin, bad-tasting cigarette will make you the life of the party.
Then go around saying stuff like, “Eeh oui oui, I stick ooh baguette up le bum, because I’m from Fraunce and lose military baattles.” And “Eeh oour army lost to much smaller Mexican army, now we smoke cigayrettes indoors because we oor sad. Oui, oui.”
Quietly read a Mexican novel.
The politically correct awareness campaign #ReclaimCinco suggests putting down the bottle of tequila and quietly reading a classic Mexican novel like Pedro Parámo or Like Water for Chocolate.
You could also burn a French book instead.
Don’t use the holiday just as an excuse to get drunk on tequila and margaritas.
The offensive “Cinco de Drinko” characterization NEEDS to stop. Instead you need to earn your right to drink by donating to an immigration rights group or supporting local Mexican-owned businesses.
An alternative would be to buy as much French wine as you can and dump it into the Boston Harbor. This would be a way to stick it to those damn French people and celebrate their crushing, humiliating defeat. After a hard day’s work of destroying French imports, you earned the right to enjoy a bottle of tequila or two.
Disrupt the French election by releasing troves of forged documents implicating centrist candidate Emmanuel Macron in various salacious scandals.
Pick up where 4chan trolls left off this week and spread various headline-grabbing lies about Macron. Spread photoshopped photos of Macron and comedian Gilbert Gottfried ensconced in a scandalous love affair. Forge documents proving Macron started Gamergate. Start a whisper campaign claiming Macron was the creative mind behind the the Kendall Jenner Pepsi ad.
A loss for Macron and a win for Marine Le Pen will surely bring the French state one step nearer to complete destruction.
After France’s embarrassing defeat at the Battle of Puebla, they still went on to win the war against Mexico. The only way to truly celebrate Cinco de Mayo is to reverse this outcome and re-right a historical wrong by guiding the nation of France towards self-inflicted ruin.
Remember to enjoy Cinco de Mayo responsibly and, most importantly, cultural appropriation-free!