BuzzFeed and Minions, Two of the Most Cancerous Things on Internet, Partner Up

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By William Hicks | 2:46 pm, June 28, 2017
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For the last few days BuzzFeed has been made Minion-themed, through what I assume is a hugely profitable sponsorship deal.

If you’re not aware of Minions, they are also one of the most cancerous things on the Internet. They’re yellow, penis-shaped, little shits that make annoying jittering noises that are supposed to be cute or something. Cancerous Minion memes are often shared by grandmas on Facebook, inspiring a whole subreddit devoted to Minions hate. 

Every few years these yellow abominations get $100 million or so of an ad budget from Universal to promote their terrible movies, resulting in the Internet and television getting filled with cancer for a few months.

You can’t blame BuzzFeed for taking the Minions blood money. The media business is tough and you gotta make money somehow. Hell, I’d get a Minions face tattoo if they paid me what they’re paying BuzzFeed.

But when you dig deeper, there’s a more disturbing link between BuzzFeed and Minions. For years BuzzFeed has been using their platform of as a media megalith to metastasize Minions cancer, even without getting paid sponsorship dollars.

When you look at BuzzFeed’s three years of Minions coverage, a disturbing pattern starts to develop.

In 2015, BuzzFeed posted a poll asking both “are minions sexy?” and “would you fuck one?”

Months earlier, BuzzFeed published an erotic short story, where a young woman is ravaged by a team of Minions.

“A fucky feeling filled Katie’s heart as she looked at the minions,” wrote BuzzFeed contributor Leonard Delaney. “In their blank stares, she saw a promise that they would protect and accept her no matter what she did. In their featureless skin, she saw endless possibility. In their nonsense words and expressive yet wit-free faces, she felt like she could say anything to them. She saw nothing. She saw herself. The minions were her, and she was the minions.”

A common theme among BuzzFeed Minion articles is a subversive attempt to present the Minions as sexual beings to their young, impressionable audience.

In the article, “21 Jaw-Droppingly Beautiful ‘Minions’ Christmas Jumpers,” BuzzFeed staff writer Cassie Smyth claimed the reader can “entice your lover with this seasonal jumper.” BuzzFeed writer Sophie Gadd encouraged readers to plan a Minions-themed wedding. BuzzFeed writer Katie Notopoulos posted a series of pornographic Minion fan art. BuzzFeed writer Alanna Bennett played “fuck, marry, kill” with the Minions. 

It’s like the entire staff of BuzzFeed is in on some sick conspiracy to groom young people into accepting the sexuality of Minions. Note, none of these articles were sponsored by Universal (or if they were, they weren’t labeled as such), they were written out of the volition of the authors.

What is BuzzFeed’s endgame? Why do they want us to fuck Minions?

BuzzFeed’s editor-in-chief was once asked about the proliferation of Minions on his site. His answer screamed of suspicious deflection.

Sure they aren’t ads, but why do they exist? And why so sexual?

Smith has earlier, more cryptic tweets alluding to Minions.

This only raises more questions. What is the “literati” and what do they have to do with Minions™? Who are the AK-toting sheep? Is Minion sex the answer to all this?

Whatever’s going on at BuzzFeed, it certainly ain’t right. The publication is using Minions for a sick purpose and it goes all the way to the top.

Follow me on Twitter @William__Hicks