Christopher Columbus

4 Ways Christopher Columbus Is Ruining Columbus Day

By William Hicks | 2:53 pm, October 10, 2016

Who doesn’t like the idea of Columbus Day? A Monday in the fall when Americans can take off work, admire the beautifully colored leaves, and ponder the majesty of US history. Basically a Thanksgiving Day-lite.

Too bad that pasty bastard Christopher Columbus had to ruin the day for everyone.

Here are the 4 worst ways Christopher Columbus ruined Columbus Day.


He’s a terrorist 

Everyone knows Columbus did terrible things to the native inhabitants of the West Indies, but did you know he was a TERRORIST!

Well, the good folks on Twitter are here to educate you.


He ruined The Sopranos


Even the most die hard Sopranos fan will admit, the Columbus Day episode was terrible. In the episode, the gang argues about the true meaning of the holiday, with the Italians defending Columbus’ name, while others sought to dredge up the explorers many misdeeds.

The A.V. Club‘s  Todd VanDerWerff described it as “the worst episode by SEVERAL DEGREES. The show had not been this bad before, and it would not get this bad again.”


He’s causing some Americans to commit treason and celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving


Thanks to Columbus being such a jerk, the insufferables at Vox have decided to guilt their readership into celebrating Canadian Thanksgiving instead. Basically, a holiday where you come together as a family and talk about how “soary” you are for being a Canadian. It also celebrates no-name explorer Martin Frobisher, whose only accomplishment is not dying from sailing across the Atlantic.


He’s encouraging theft

Some Tweeters are leading by Columbus’ example on the holiday. While Columbus, stole Native American’s land and riches, these people want to loot department stores in honor of the deceased explorer.

Follow me on Twitter @William__Hicks