I was irreparably triggered when Nintendo unveiled the new Legend of Zelda at E3 and had the gall not to make Link a woman. After all our complaining, how could they not listen? It’s 2016 for Christ’s sake, why aren’t all popular male characters women yet?
Well, we have another shot. Nintendo’s Shigeru Miyamoto said last week that the next Mario game will aim to be something different. “Hopefully you’ll see a new kind of Mario in about a year or two,” he told IGN.
A new kind of Mario, he says? So that has to be a woman right? It literally has to to be a woman or else I and all my Tumblr followers are boycotting his bigoted company.
But once Nintendo bows to our will on Mario’s gender, we can’t stop there. Actually we can never stop.
First Princess Peach can’t be rescued or vulnerable in any way. There’ve been too many years of this problematic damsel in distress trope. Instead, Peach needs to be a playable character with invulnerability and magic powers with dialogue written by Lena Dunham. She needs to run faster and jump higher than all the male characters, even female Mario (Mari-a?) who still stinks of the privilege of her former gender.
Next comes the strategic butt covering. There can be no sexual objectification ever. The game must have the stuffiness of a convent. All chests must be flattened and all butts covered. The male gaze must have nowhere to go. Yes, there will be a glass ceiling on every level.
Mario’s catchphrase is in desperate need of a 2016 revamp. “It’s a-me Mario!” is deeply problematic and offensive to Italians. So instead Maria should say, “Do you know women make 79 cents for every dollar a man makes for the exact same job?” Then he’ll stare at you and won’t move until you donate that extra 21 cents to Planned Parenthood.
All violence must be removed from the game as well. Instead, Maria will use her words or sneak around enemies or just make friends with the monsters and, like, just hang out or something. I mean, why do we have to beat the levels anyway? Competition is just a part of toxic masculinity. Why don’t Mario and Peach start a Tumblr blog and beat the patriarchy that way, or like, we could just change Bower’s name to “Patriarchy” and slowly defeat him with the number of Tumblr likes our memes get. I’m not a game designer! You think of it, Nintendo, cause it’s your job to cater directly to me, a minuscule portion of your customer base!
Excuse me, I got a little triggered for a moment.
You see I’ve never actually played Mario, too difficult and problematic. But that doesn’t mean I and my ilk don’t have complete ownership of its future. Miyamoto, we will give you from now until the next E3 to meet our demands or else there will be blogging. Lots of blogging. And don’t think a few Polygon journalists won’t join our campaign with their own hand-wringing articles! #MakeMarioAWoman
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